Out to Sea

I can totally hear you calling my phone once the sun came up. Just like that one phone message. You’d be ready to pack your bags and get on the road heading down to The Shore. I can hear it now. Man. What I wouldn’t give for one call…..all those times you would call and call all of us. Man. I am sure all of us, friends and co-workers alike, would love to hear your voice and your laugh. I can hear you telling me how you would say hi to Ann Foley and Baby Girl. Ha. “How are youuuuuuuuuu?” Ah mom, you’re so funny. Like purely funny and in the best way. Even making fun of all of us, we would shake our heads and just laugh at ourselves. Just what a human being should be like. It’s nice, but still cold out. Kind of a perfect going into spring day. Well, for the Northeast Corridor at least. I feel like this was the weather we last went to Newport with Kathy. Man. You would be amazed at all the pictures we have of you. Even some coming out of the woodwork. The past few days haven’t been any easier, but it’s really great hearing from so many people how amazing you truly were to them. I can’t even imagine that people living think, “Hey, I wonder what this person truly would think of me if I were no longer here…” It’s hard to fathom we’ve had to go through those thoughts this soon in your life. I still don’t get it and we miss you every day. I know you would want us to face this head on, but this is different and everyone knows it. It’s wasn't like we lost someone we didn’t know or who wasn’t a great person. We lost the most special person. It’s great to still hear stories about your life and how you were with people. I keep imagining that you’re going to “pop in” my apartment. I also think about how excited you would be to know I am going to be getting out of the city. How excited you would be to look for houses or whatever and decorate. “Shoot, you give me a thousand bucks and I will have that place looking like the shit….” Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. I can still hear you say that every time you’d stop in Umbria; either one. That tiny studio that you stopped by many times and helped me move from. Then into this “palace” near Marchianos. I guess I didn’t really know where I wanted to be. Only 11 miles away from 988, but always felt so different. I guess that’s why many people move, to get away. Then they get older and they are longing for that place they believe is their home. I always knew that wherever in the world you were with us, it was home. We have all gotten signs the past few weeks. It’s been crazy. It’s hard to talk about, but how can we not talk about you. In a way, I have this quiet calm that has been infiltrating my life the last few weeks. Not that I need to be alone, but in my time, I can think of you and smile and laugh…and I come here and I smile and laugh and cry. I am SO thankful that we all had that real emotion from you. Nothing was faked. Nothing done for others just to see. Just a purity that I have come to appreciate. A mother’s love I told one person. But your love was definitely different and I am SO thankful I got to experience it. I keep thinking I see you. Here and there. And for the first time since I bought that picture of the beach in my bedroom, I looked closely, and I see this boat out in the distance. I couldn’t believe it. I swore it was never there. It’s out there, but it’s there. I imagine you are on the boat out to sea forever…..someday to be reunited with other “boats”. We sure do miss you Mom. It’s hard. I miss you. Thinking of you always. Hoot! Hoot!


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