PattybytheSea

This is the first and I guess what will be for the rest of my life. Christmas without you. Going into it I tried to stay distracted. Lots of things about this time of year just represent you. The decorations, the food, the gifts, the wrapping paper, the big laugh, the smile, so much. You truly did spend so much of your soul and energy doing everything during the holidays. The older I get the more amazing I find it. Christmas Eve was really nice. Lots of love and the kids playing. Lots of distractions. I had wrapped a gift for Nanny and when I got there I took her downstairs and there was no one in her living room. We sat down and I watched her excitedly unwrap it. She saw it and immediately started talking about you and then her voice cracked and then I started cracking. We had a really special moment. She also told me about long walks you took down the shore during those times that I never knew about. Always had those special times with your special people. We had a good hug and then ...

I just came up with that title and thought of you and Nicole and Anne Foley in your store having a ball. Man. You truly loved working with that crew. I wish there were some pictures of you guys in action. I go to Shoprite when I need something. Since I work from home, I can go at random times. Wednesdays are for the old people. Man. I see people like in their 90's. Part of me is like, "why did my mom not at least live to be 70, 80, etc...?" Part of me is like, "I hope these people have someone who REALLY appreciates them...and really talks to them...and lets them know they are happy they're alive...." I also wonder if these times are depressing for them. Remembering when they were young, vibrant, in the days when life was so simple and slow and getting a Coca-Cola or a Hershey bar was a treat..or talking about making it through The Depression, World War II, The Korean War, Vietnam, and all the wars the last 30 years. I often want to ask them, ...

“If we live truly, we shall see truly . . . When we have new perception, we shall gladly disburden the memory of its hoarded treasures as old rubbish.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I really had to get out of the house this weekend. I had to get out of the city. Just didn’t have a great feeling about being home.   I ended up booking a room and grabbing a ticket for an event for Saturday. My buddy Tommy was going to be playing at the club at Ocean, so I figured, “why not?” After a terrible Saturday, finally just got my stuff together and head out. The traffic in and around Philly didn’t help much, but then I got into Jersey and on the expressway. Just dark and fast. Some music helped bring up my spirits as I got closer. I stopped in Brigantine to see Chrissy and her decorations. Warm outside. Inviting. It was good to see some decorations since I don’t have any up. I just think of so many years you spent decorating our house, all the ceramic pieces, all the stockings, all the stuff on our fake tree. Ha. You always made it a magical time for us despite anything you had to overcome. I am impressed with people who are also on this journey of losing a parent tha...

I was watching a show about a mother who lost a son early in life. He was 29 when he was killed by some random nut. He ended up rushing the guy and saved many lives. His mom said she had one wish. She knows he is up in Heaven. She just wanted one day with him. Just to hug him. Talk to him. And her face starts to perk up. She says I want to ask him where he’s been. Ask him where he’s going. It was a positive spin on such a tragic situation. It made me think of what I would do if I got the chance to have that one day with you. Just one day. I would ask so many questions. I would ask how you felt leaving us. I know you would be so very, very sad. I know that. I don’t think you ever wanted to leave any of us behind. Then some part of me thinks how happy you were to see your parents and John. I think that must’ve really brought you so much joy and I think of you hugging Pop Pop and just crying. I also see you apologizing. Of course apologizing for something you could no...