PattybytheSea

There isn't much I am going to write right now. I think it's just cause I miss you so very much. I wish you could come and tell us everything will be alright. Even if it wasn't true. I sent Chrissy a bunch of your emails about houses down the shore. I should've jsut grabbed one. I thought we had forever I guess. It just made me so sad reading your emails....about what you wanted to do....how excited you were to have a place down the shore. Even the smallest of places. It didn't matter. I said to someone working at Captain Chuckie's the other day, how much you loved New England. How much Kathy loved RI. I get so sad when I rememeber those times. We had one trip all together. I guess I just miss your overall happiness. I can't solve everyone's problems, I just dont have that power. I just see your emails and laugh. I remember simpler times. I remember how good you were. I get sad. I wish just once I could talk to you before you left us. I think that hurts ...

Hi Mom, Well here we are, another fall, somewhere across the universe, you and Kathy are probably decorating some huge window scape with rubber leaves and tree branches and pumpkins. haha. Oh how you loved this time of year. I get it more as I get older. A time to reset. Start over. Summer is done and new school years are starting for all the kids. Poor Acey and his bus fiasco may have had you driving around looking for him or laughing about me walking home from St. Gabe's. Thankfully, he was ok. I am grateful for lots of things....I try to just be grateful, while being somewhat realistic. I am somewhat over texts and social media; they just aren't the real thing. I think I appreciate how you were that much more, but at 47, sometimes exhausted by the intersection of happiness, accountability and empathy. Feeling that worrying so much about so much, well, that's not my job. It becomes exhausting. I som. etimes think, were people worried about us during our times of struggle....

I was driving all the godforsaken backroads of Jersey to get to N Wildwood to see the Fehrle clan. I got caught up in some crazy traffic for most of the trip. At one point I came down into the furthest part of Upper Twp. A small little inlet popped up. It had a little dock a few little boats. Like very small. About the size little bigger than a JetSki. I was remisce to not think away my anger and how many trips you and Pop Pop and Kathy made down to The Can or The Biscuit or Asbury or the Itty Bitty. I was so angry cause I knew I wouldn't get to the shore to have much time and then come back. I saw some things as I got through Upper Twp that just told me to calm down and laugh a little. A tree adorned with crab trap floaters stuck out to me. Then a bunch of crab traps near a catarmaran. I passed over a bridge over the little inlet. Part of me just thought...such a peaceful existence. Part of me always gets sad as I think how much you loved the shore and wanted us to enjoy it as muc...

 As I am sitting here on such a beautiful early June day, I am still getting over a nasty virus. I always would remember how closely you would listen to us tell you about our ailments and if it was a cold, bug, etc, the same would always be said first...."well, there's definitely something going around....(insert local friend's or friend's kid's or grandmother or aunt name) got it bad....." I would have to say this one was as bad as 2009 one, really last time I felt like this. In any case, over the course of the last two weeks, a certain peace settled in to not having to worry about anything, anyone other than us, getting better and just relaxing. I laugh at the thought folks just think life is supposed to be about 40 hours of some job, sleeping, eating. There is just so much more. I was also happy to not have to talk about work with anyone the last 2 weeks. I really don't care. Really, in your 40's, I almost think no one cares what you do as long as y...

   

Mom, your special day is tomorrow. You were always surprised by anything we did for you. I laughed and got emotional a few times this week as tomorrow drew closer. At one point I was getting out of the shower and just turned the light off to sit there and remembered how many times you literally just tossed all the girls in the tub for one team bath. Saving the environment. hahahahhaa. I would just laugh at how much simple joy you got out of just doing simple stuff like that, laughing at everyone running around. While I dont remember it, the "baths" you gave me down at Nanny's on Saybrook. I stop and ask myself. Man. You were such a new mom and washing your newborn son in the sink at Nanny's and just laughing. I wish that I could've seen film of such an event. Especially knowning how much Nanny loved you and me and just those simple, free moments. The days that pass without you are never easy. I truly have sadness over other people who have since lost their mothers...

I had these pictures saved here to write about Cantastic Island aka The Can but never did. A cold and rainy day here in Delco will help with that. I really have little desire to hop on laptop and learn. Haha. You are thought about so much. Stef sent us a great picture that I never saw that I will post some time. It’s things like that that I remember better times where tragedy was not present.  I know how much you loved that little trailer. I can still feel around with my hands to feel the tweed floor liner, the “pinees” that dropped from the skies and into the trailer, the countertop that mom mom was always leaning against and my two little sea fairing captains; clothed in their yellow and navy blue captains coats. I remember actually going there one time with an ex when I was 28-29 and man it was rocking and rolling the next morning. I don’t remember falling asleep but we woke up with back pain from sleeping on the front bed. Haha. Poor pop pop. Such an early riser and disheveled ...

I joked with some of the girls you’d be saying that in February. You’d be saying “geeeeez….they’re runing right past St. Paddy’s day with all the Easter stuff. Oh how I wish you were here.     Just for some friendly advice and to lend your never-ending support when it was needed most. And a helping hand to those who desperately needed your help; including myself. It has been the longest of winters. Not much snow but lots of cold the last few months. I wanted to go down the shore for some salt air but it wasn’t in the cards. I think of how much free time you’d have as I would have to say by now you’d finally stop working but part of me thinks you’d be doing houses just to keep busy. My mind wanders among the belief you’d have definitely moved out of 988 by now. The neighborhood just ain’t what it was. Driving down Delmar Dr….just not as warm. I would’ve loved to have seen you and Lucy walking to school and back anf passing my apartment. A huge bag of moments you will miss and t...

I found this message from you but I can’t remember how you sent it. It made me happy and sad and then happy again. All you wanted was your family, the beach and laughs and love. All things that are for the most part free. You are truly truly missed Mom.