Confidence is a stain they can't wipe off

I was talking to one of the cousins and trying to pump them up for a job interview and here I am saying the same things you would say to me. “You’ll do great. Why wouldn’t they want someone like you? If they don’t hire you, you’ll find something even better. You’re gonna do fine….don’t worry. It’s just a job, not your entire life….” Laughing cause I am trying to calm them down and thinking of you trying to calm me down when I had interviews or what not. I remember the last interview I had. It was a beautiful beach day and just you and I hanging down Strathmere. I took the hour or so call in my car. With the windows rolled up it must’ve been like 110 degrees in there. Sitting there answering questions as quickly as I can so I can get my ass out of that car and on to the beach. I knew that if things didn’t go well, that I had some other offers on the table, so there wasn’t much to lose. I remember the sweat just beading off of my head. I remember the questions all being pretty easy and just running through it. Then I was done, walked up the path with that light brown sand and plopped my butt down in the sand next to you and think reading a book. I know it was just you and I that day. I think I had the day off, but took the call. I have no idea where we went after or before. I just remember the time in the car and the time on the beach. I wonder if it was when I made that one video of you talking to Kane. In any case, you’re always are biggest cheerleader. I think we in some ways became yours later in life. That you could do anything you wanted to do. You could save what money you could save. You could get a place down the shore and truly be happy and you could pay for your own things. Looking back, knowing that I could’ve done more for you, bothers me. Knowing you could’ve done more for yourself bothers me as well. I guess that’s life. Sometimes it is hard to recognize what is wrong when you don’t get a chance to see what is right. I think now we all know right from wrong. I am glad your last day really on Earth was on the beach with so many people you love. I always called that the silver lining. After hearing a story of a woman who had an aneurysm while driving and she was pulled from life support a day after her accident; I am thankful we had a lot of time to talk, to cry, to hold you, to grab your hand, to try and look in your eyes and even a few smiles and gazes that we will take as you seeing us. I can’t even really go that deep into that last sentence. It was SO hard to look into your eyes for 8 months and not be sure that you actually saw us. I am truly thankful for SO many of the people that visited you throughout those months. Also those people, some who didn’t even know you personally, who offered their time, their service, their food, and their love. Really lets you know what the term “human” means. Today it’s still a bit chilly, but the sun is out. Got back in the gym yesterday after a long time off and it felt great. It feels great to just have so much freedom from all the things that held us and me down the last 12 months. You being free of pain and out of that bed is a relief cause it wasn’t you. Also not being held down by anchors on my feet feels great. No one. No agencies. No organizations. No hospitals asking who, what, when, where and why? I was never good with static and negative situations. To evolve is human. I know you’re around us. And you definitely have given us some signs (albeit creepy) of late. Lisa got one and I got a few this week. We have some plans coming up. I so wish you could join us and in ways, I know you will. Miss you Mom. Bobby

I love this picture!


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