that night at the Erin

That night...of my birthday. Such a nice time. At the Erin. I really never told many people about it. We had such a nice dinner. I think we both had like surf & turf meals. Think I had the steak and a crab cake and a beer. I know I have a picture of it somewhere. I can remember it so vividly coming out to your car. You were just like "I got you a little something...." A hoodie and a Sixers shirt. I wore the hoody for this years Super Bowl Parade. I wore it proudly. I gave you a big hug and we parted ways. I really didn't think much of the next few hours. I got home to my apt in Manayunk. I called you to make sure you were ok. Vividly, on the phone, you said, "there's no one here...you should've just packed a bag and stayed here.....there's no one here." I really just didn't focus on it much at the time. After the fact, I felt so bad. I wondered how alone you were. I wondered why I hadn't just gone to the house with you, I wondered why why why. I have a hard time explaining it to myself or anyone else. It is truly hard for me to try and conceptualize that level of sadness and also loneliness. I dont want to think about it. It haunts me and it hurts me. I rarely tell anyone. I rarely speak about it. I wish I had that packed bag, I wish I stayed with you, I wish I was there for you. I have a hard time writing about it. I did the best I could as a son. I just never forget when you said that to me. "Bobby, there's no one here....." I probably should've just been there. You are so missed Mom.