PattybytheSea

Been a while Mom. Just things flying, life, ups and downs. We miss you as usual. As we do Kathy, Mom Mom, Pop Pop and John. Dad recently paid to get the VHS tapes transferred over. A treasure trove of memories. Before I even had a chance to watch them myself (I was in a rush with so much stuff last week), people were telling me how much they loved them....and showed me so many things I had long since forgotten....well weren't forgotten more so at the back of my mind.  At Bia's 40th at Townhouse, which was an amazing turnout of friends/family/co-workers/college friends; we truly had a blast. Of course people were missing, but we carried on. A few of the cousins, Dana, Marissa, had shown me snippets of the videos. Pictures of things I really just didn't remember. So that night and following days I watched the videos.  First, it was just so great to see all of you alive, so much energy, so much lust for life. Christmas Eve at Mom Mom's, such a special time for all of us. I...

That night...of my birthday. Such a nice time. At the Erin. I really never told many people about it. We had such a nice dinner. I think we both had like surf & turf meals. Think I had the steak and a crab cake and a beer. I know I have a picture of it somewhere. I can remember it so vividly coming out to your car. You were just like "I got you a little something...." A hoodie and a Sixers shirt. I wore the hoody for this years Super Bowl Parade. I wore it proudly. I gave you a big hug and we parted ways. I really didn't think much of the next few hours. I got home to my apt in Manayunk. I called you to make sure you were ok. Vividly, on the phone, you said, "there's no one here...you should've just packed a bag and stayed here.....there's no one here." I really just didn't focus on it much at the time. After the fact, I felt so bad. I wondered how alone you were. I wondered why I hadn't just gone to the house with you, I wondered why why...

We've been talking about you so much lately. I bet your ears are ringing. From pics to "mommy or your mother would do this....", it's been a lot about you. I wish I could tell you how much you're missed. I wish I could wish you back into our lives.....to see Kane growing up, Ace's awesomeness and go to see Taylor Swift impersonator with Lucy. It's crazy....I no longer think about what I am missing out on with you being gone, I miss what they're missing (tears). I miss you being their buddy. I totally saw you next to Lucy at the show Bia was at tonight....laughing....dancing.....a "girl's night". Of course it's super positive, but something missing. I talked with Sibb last night about a lot of stuff we grew up with. Just lessons learned and how we are today and why. I just don't really get how people can go through so much loss, so much hurt and not change for the better...or at least realize what they're doing wrong that hurts...