To you Mom...


Where do I even start Mom? I can’t even understand any of this right now. I am sitting on the bed in the room next to the room where you may have spent your final hours. I am beside myself. We all are. I miss you so much it hurts every part of my body. You are in a bed in the ICU, but really it’s just your body. I can’t make sense of any of it. You spent the entire day on the beach with the kids and your best friends and family. The day was beautiful. I kept saying to Lisa I should be down there with you all. The weather held me back. You started your vacation and had a great week. You spent all day Sunday playing with the kids and even went in the water. Around 6:30 you complained of neck pain and headaches and then from there it progressed to be worse. I can’t even try to write it cause it upsets me so much. I can’t imagine that I lost my best friend in Pop Pop 4 years ago and now I am possibly going to lose you. I have a lot of regret. People are trying to tell me that I was your best friend. Your “prince”. Right now I feel like I let you down by not pushing you into a hospital or doctor to get checked up. Literally would’ve taken one scan to see what was inside of your head. A ticking time bomb. We have really been at your side every day and in every way. The doctors say there isn’t much chance you will recover to ever be anything. Your body is holding up. It’s amazing. The woman with the biggest heart in the world is staying alive cause her heart is filled with love. I just miss my buddy. I miss your calls and texts. I know we are all going to need help with this. I know I will. So many people have sent us all texts and messages. So many people loved you. You were a walking legend. It just doesn’t feel right to have to write to you like this, but it is in some way therapeutic. I hope you can see us. I hope you remember me and all the good times we laughed and spent time together. 

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