White China

Day off tomorrow. Was catching up on some learning and sitting here in the dark debating what to do tonight. I have been staying in way too much. Not like it’s been warm out, but still need to get out more. I was talking to Kathy about a story you and I had. I remember one Christmas you gave me this gift. It must’ve weighed about 30lbs and was perfectly square. I am like, “what is this? A safe?” I couldn’t figure what it was. I had no idea. So tore the wrapping off and it was a brown cardboard box. Still wasn’t sure cause it wasn’t really telling anything on the cardboard. So I opened the top and I could see these rows and rows of white dishes separated by thin cardboard dividers. Of course I was like, “what in the Sam hell is all of this nonsense?” Of course I wasn’t grateful, like I should’ve been. So we go back and forth, “Mom, what am I gonna do with place settings for eight people?” With a straight face, you were like, “Have a dinner party and invite your friends over….” As if I ever had any fancy friends who would sit at a table with a bunch of gleaming white Chinaware.  I am laughing as I type this. Then I am like, “Mom, seven of my friends won’t be coming over for tea and snacks…..they just won’t…” Then I think it clicked for you and you couldn’t even hold your laugh in. You actually started laughing as you were trying to say, “Oh, I don’t know…just have your friends over…” I can hear your muffled, subtle, yet noticeable laugh. It bounces off my left and right ear drum as I type. I can see your face. That is hard...cause you were happy and laughing. Then I was like, “if my guy friends see this shit out on a table when they come over, someone is going to ask me how gay am I?…” And we both started laughing and you realized that the China just wouldn’t work for me. I can smile now cause you took it in stride, as you did with anything in life, and said, “well, the receipt is taped on the bottom so if you don’t think you’ll use them, you can get something you will use." I said to Kathy the other day, I wish I had every piece of that China set today. So any time I had something in it or off of it, it would remind me of that special moment we had and the laughs from that day. Ah Mom. You really did make me laugh.

Uncle Jimmy sent me a nice card and wrote something nice on the envelope. When I went to send the pictures from my Yahoo account, the word “pics” autocorrected to something I have never seen on an iPhone. It auto-corrected to the word “Love”. I just stood there and I truly felt you were trying to talk to me. That our short lives, our short time, they are about one thing and one thing only…..LOVE. I still can’t believe that happened, but it did, right in front of my eyes. I didn’t have a great weekend. Well, I did have one really good thing happen. Talk about that in private. I want you to keep helping us along. We need your help.

I will work on being more civilized and maybe someday I will get that white China set you wanted me to have…and maybe have that dinner party. I can’t even bullshit, it will most likely be wings and beer with your daughters and the cousins. Maybe a veggie platter will be squeezed in.

Thank you Mom. Thank you for always showing me that I was loved.


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