I’m sitting here on my couch. The wind howling outside my window. A city truck rumbling down the road. Cars coming down the street. Ending the week. I think about you. Driving around in your little Toyota. Bought and paid for by you. You were so proud of that. Of course you were looking for another car right after paying it off. I think of all the daily stuff you did. How I would give my heart to see you behind the wheel coming towards me. I would give anything to take this sadness of missing you away. I would give anything for you to be here and tell me things will get better. This life without you around, it is not easy. The daily joy sometimes fleeting....or just not present. I feel I am getting to a better place. Again cleaned out some people from my life. It always feels good to just drop the negativity from my life. I miss your calls and your voice. I miss the plans you would set out for the day, run your errands, get your pretzel and soda and call me from your car. Those daily things. Those mundane things you seemed to enjoy in life. Being out and about. Amongst the masses. You seemed to thrive in that setting. I miss you being yourself and calm and at peace around the kids. I don’t get why you were taken 20 or so years before your life expectancy. I know I should be grateful and I am, but the bitter fruit is hard to swallow. There are millions of bad people that are walking this planet and I don’t get why such a good person is gone. Parts of me want to just ask God that. And by bad I don’t mean the law-abiding citizens. I know you would’ve called me when the tragic news of Kobe, his daughter and the others hit. That has been so saddening. The night it happened I walked back from my pizza joint and just got emotional of all that has been lost. In some way hoping that Kobe and his daughter got to Heaven and there you were, saying “Kooooobeeeee” in your funny low but prominent voice. And maybe gave him and his daughter a hug and told them not to be afraid. That idea brought tears to my eyes. Maybe you told him you were from Philly, you like Wawa, a good sandwich, Tastykakes, The Birds, The Phils and Billy Penn. In such a weird way, that gives me some comfort. I watched his super bowl video a few times. It’s such a special moment. He’s at home, with family, in shorts, holding his daughter and just so excited the Eagles were about to win. It’s so great, yet so sad. I remember you were the first person I called after they won. I remember that call so vividly as me, Jake and Jason left the house. You said, “can you believe that or what?....” I said I can’t believe it. It’s amazing. You said, “where are you guys going?” I said we’re heading to Broad Street. I will never forget that. I know exactly where I was when we were speaking. I remember the city lights against the browns and beige colors coming through the night. Remember looking forward. Kept walking forward. Never stopped. Ah. It was always great to be able to call you and talk about anything. I miss that.
I think about how you had no warning, he had no warning. Lives lived good, with love.