Oh, how I wish you were here...

It’s cold as hell Mom! Ha. I can always hear you when I am thinking like what the hell? I can hear you say something to me that grossed you out. “Ewwwwwwww….Bobby…..soooooo gross…..” The video that Heather sent was great. So was the video that Kathy took. It is SO you. Now you’re all over the World Wide Web! Who would’ve thought? My mom is being read about in Israel? Can you believe it? Well, I can. I love it. The video at Lisa’s about Bia’s baby’s name. “Lovey”. Then you and Parker. You’re loving, yet annoyingly way to get someone to just get up and get out and live life. I find it so much more in this part of my life. Helping each other is SO very important. Cheering people up is SO important. Actually being honest about your feelings (good or bad) are SO important. While we can’t always have things our way, at least we can be open and honest and if not that, then it is ok to retreat to safer ground. This week at work definitely tested me and a lot of people I know. Tough to see people let go. I really can’t believe what happened last night. A friend, who shall remain nameless out of respect to her, contacted me on messenger. She saw me online and told me the energy was coming through. She told me that I would do fine today. She told me that you were telling me that it will be okay. So I guess you were trying to talk and one of my good friends from AP and baseball must’ve been shouldering you for some time. She told me many things about him that there is no way she could’ve known. His laugh and smile, the way he looked, how his passing was an accident, and more. I was floored. I was happy cause it just lent more credibility to her powers and the energy coming through. I had seen his numbers come through a few times this week. A 222 here and a 2222 there. I have never in my life seen consecutive 2’s like that. The force is definitely strong this week and it is so uplifting. Sadly, another parent has passed. Another person from our area. I hope that you can comfort her as she enters that world and comfort the sadness she will feel leaving her children and grandchildren behind in this world. I am doing the best I can, but my tank is low. A few people reached out to me today. Many I know won’t really know what today and tomorrow are and really, I wish I didn’t know. I just keep remembering all our good times. I try to replay them. I can see you sitting in my passenger side. So many times. For some reason the trip to the coffee station, maybe our last time having breakfast, sticks out. The time you got worried cause I was in the wawa too long. I wonder if that was a sign from you. A sign of your emotions being pressed by something in your head. I don’t know. Ah, what I wouldn’t give to go to breakfast with you. I would even come to 988 and just sit at the table, look out the kitchen window, let life pass and enjoy the peace. It’s not the same at all today, but you know what I know, 40 years of my life were really great with you in it. I am happy I didn’t have a bad relationship with you. I am happy we got along like best friends. My friend John said, “there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a momma’s boy….” That’s what sons are supposed to be. Friends and protectors of the women in their lives. I have no remorse. I have no sadness. I like hearing how much you loved us. For some reason I got this picture in my head of you hugging Bia yesterday. I don’t even know why it popped into my head. It was just you, with your head against her chest and hugging her. Like a hug you were being pulled away. I looked at pictures last night. Some of you. Some of the summer rental that year. I shouldn’t have looked, but I did. I looked at the few closely. As if some clue might pop out that your soul was left behind….at the beach. I wonder where you are many times. I wonder if you can see us. I wonder when I talk to you, do you hear me. I wonder if when I reach out, your invisible hand is there. I wonder where my Mom went. I hope she is safe. I hope she is with friends and family. I hope she is not sad. I hope she sees our cries, our laughs, our falls, and our strength. I think a lot about the time you spent doing the daily. The more time passes from your passing, I wonder why we fret so much over the daily. Even when bad news hit my company this week, after September 2018 to now, I didn’t even flinch. I often say what else do you have for me God? I got all day. I am definitely ready to leave my current situation behind. The street is too loud, the noise is unbearable, and the city life is no longer fun or producing any positivity in me. I cannot wait to leave it behind. I looked at some places in Newport. I didn’t get sad about the times we went there, but I wondered how I will feel when I return. I wonder how I feel seeing so many places and things we enjoyed there. I love that it was such a private and spectacular coastal town. I am SO happy I got to see it and I am grateful I got to share it with others; what is something good if not shared with those closest to you? I didn’t take off today. I couldn’t imagine having that much free time to think or do whatever. I guess in my mind, work was a distraction. Maybe it has been too much a of a distraction the last 10 years, but alas, we work. I wish we took more vacations together, but I am happy we got to Mexico. I am happy we spent so many times down the beach. I was able to make good on that last picture of you and Kathy on the beach. Walking towards the gate. Now I can look at it with happiness and joy. Sisters leaving paradise. I know you are watching us. I thank you for coming through last night. Give Tommy a punch in the shoulder for me. We always swapped a crude mom joke here and there. In my head, I can see me, him, Meeley and Jay Miller getting in a car outside of 988. My time with him doesn’t stop there. I can see his face, his smile, on the diamond. That year after I played for Penn State. I will never forget that talk we had. I remember just laughing. I remember him telling me I had gotten a lot better than I was in high school. That’s a true friend. Applauding your improvements. I am so grateful both of your spirits were joined last night. I made sure to share with his brother, sister, Emily and Mrs. Capizzi. I felt they should all enjoy that news. I couldn’t keep that to myself. I start to find beauty in the things that happen in the present. Things like that. Things like one person saying hi to a stranger. Even me talking to someone at the gym about a certain exercise and another guy about not going to the bar as much. I see more beauty in what is so simple and considered mundane. I see no need to show this artificial happiness on social media. I got off it all together. I get joy out of jabbing my former college roommates and other buddies from PSU about the most immature things. I miss that version of myself. That 20-22 year old that got by with as little as I possibly needed. I think of simplicity and I realize that I got part of it by you, although you loved so many complex parts of life, you were simple in nature and your day to day revolved around people and places and not things. I really cherish that aspect of you. What I didn’t know when you would say, “it was the best I could do, it was a little something, it was all the money I had….” Was that huge piece of your heart that came along with everything. That piece that doesn’t have a price tag. That piece that doesn’t have a label. You gave your whole heart to us and so many and there is no bank that can hold that amount of gold. We miss you Mom. You are truly, truly missed. Love you. Bobby

This was the last picture you uploaded to the home computer...

So I am uploading a new one...and when I did my search, it wasn't for this picture. Something totally different so I totally believe you're here. 

“Beautiful hours move so quickly.” – Irene Hunt


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