She will walk on

I wanted to call you after my date last night. Not that it was like anything crazy, but always good meeting new people and saw my buddy’s ex and the bar was literally “hopping”. Ha. A cause for something related to bunnies and 10.00 donations got you a set of bunny ears and everyone had them on. Anyhow, beautiful night in the city. The REAL city. Ha. Finally finding some good places to drink and eat. Thought of calling you afterwards and on my way down. Just to tell you how beautiful it was on Kelly Drive. I loved taking you down that way cause it is so much better than 76. This last week has honestly been great. Things that were sucking the life and energy out of my daily life are gone. I have so much energy. Thank you for your help with Pop. He is doing well. I know you had a hand. I know he misses you. He told me about the last time he saw you as yourself. You were apparently standing in the doorway of his bedroom and saying, “Hey Pop”. And he told me quietly and privately, that’s how I will remember your mother. It was so comforting. So grateful that he’s open about things like that. It made me feel good when he told me. Pop is a fighter. Like you were. I am still so impressed how you defied all the doctors who said you would pass the day after your surgery. They didn’t know who was in the ring. Here you survived until late February. So amazing. It’s been so nice the last two days. I just cleaned my apt. My god. It was gross. So dusty. I always think of you when I am cleaning. You always kept such a clean house. I think you actually enjoyed cleaning. I do. Ha. Got some trips coming up in May. Will take you everywhere I go. Life has been good recently. Feel like just getting through this dark tunnel. And I don’t have that negative weight I was carrying around last year. Man. So thankful to be in a different spot with different people around me. Normal, good people. When you step away from a situation and get to a normal situation, you can totally see what was wrong. I laugh now cause I actually feel sorry for some people that believe that they have some type of power or control. I guess it’s just small-minded and never really made much of themselves. I get it. I am grateful for all the people who truly know who I really am. Thankful for so many great friends. Ah. On to more positive things. We all miss you. Totally do. I try and think of the daily things you would do to make your life good and livable. I am just so in awe cause I think of how much you had to do and I amazed at how you did it. Now I realize that when you took your naps or slept or your Mandy Makeup after your baths that that it was your time. I remember how many times I would try and walk around you in the hallway sitting on the red carpet with the mirror up against the wall getting ready. Now that I think about it, it was like you went off to another place. Like you were there, but I think you were just calm in those times. Even with all of us running around and in and out. I think about how I would give everything I have to kneel down to you, tell you I love you and how truly great you were and make sure you know it. Life just really went by too fast. For everything I’ve experienced in the last 41 years I would so love to have a moment in time with you. A meal, a talk, a call, a nice drive. I am SO sorry I chose to not come meet up some times last year. I was in a bad situation and I knew better, but you would be happy to know I am in such a much better situation and my life is great today. Well aside from you not being in it. I know the way I was with my mom was the right way. So many have supported that…and those people are the people that know me, know us, know many good people and come from good, solid families. I am so glad we got the chances we did to spend time together. I just wish I could’ve helped you not work yourself to death. I don’t know why you were pushed to work so hard. You should’ve had more time off and more time to do your things. Or, well, not worked at all. Like have a break. I know part of that is who you were, but I also know that you definitely deserved more time off. Especially since some women your age don’t even work….I figure you liked leaving though. Chance to be around people, chance to interact. I guess part of me wishes you were supported a lot more to really just do whatever you want. Not buy Bentleys and Beamers, just have a good life…..Eh. Part of me just thinks your brain was pushed to the max emotionally and physically. Everyone needs a break. Part of me thinks this thing in your head may not have popped if you had more down time or less smoking. I wish I could just have taken you to the doctors. Like you took care of so many, I feel like we should’ve taken better care of you. I know you didn’t like the docs, but the reality is, you just needed to go. I think of if I could ask you, would you rather be gone from this earth forever or have a 30 minute visit with a doctor? I know what the answer would be. I don’t want to hear about that bullshit that “mom lived her life the way she wanted to…” That’s a bullshit answer. I guess just someone to really look at you and say, “how do you feel?” I think that I could’ve asked you that and maybe you would’ve told me yes. I hope when you left this planet you didn’t think that many people around you didn’t care enough to ask you how you were. I know I asked you sometimes and I know sometimes the answer came with tears. Ah mom. Where did the time go? Feel like you spent a lifetime running. Running around, running from things, running to us, running to help, running to your happy places. I know you are in your happy places now. The beach, The Can, Edgehill, Chiselhust, and Newport. We had so much fun when we traveled around. So grateful I had a great relationship with you. I am sorry for people that don’t have close relationships with at least one of their parents. Sad. Unfortunate. Well, I am gonna get going. I hope wherever you are, you are smiling and happy and loved. I hope Pop Pop gave you a big hug. I hope you feel the love up there. I hope you are able to take long walks on a beach and just be YOU. Love you Mom. Your Son. Bobby


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