Packing Up

Hey Mom. Just been thinking a lot lately. A lot about change. Think about how many changes you wanted to make in life, but how you also liked a lot of the things around you. Still kind of cold here in Philly. Almost Easter. We’re going to get all your decorations and important stuff from the house and stored away. You always loved decorating the house and you did such a good job of it. Really showed that you cared about what people thought and not just having a lifeless bunch of walls. I know how bad you wanted to have a shore house and I realize….you could’ve had one. Things just aren’t the same without you. Colors aren’t as bright, but I know you are all around us. I know because good things have started to happen for some of us. And there have been a few good stories. I will share them some other time. Your selflessness really bubbles up in time of tragedy. It’s amazing how you were there for so many different people in their times of need. Never asking for notoriety. Never asking for a pat on the back. Just doing it. Your friend posted a really nice piece about you. It really hit home. “She is someone who if you met, you will never forget…and that is a life well lived…” It’s so true. I realize that I can now say that you were the best. I am truly amazed at how much you would be able to get done while also taking care of 5 children. I don’t even know how you found the time. And for all the time I spent growing up and in that house, I can’t even remember you really getting upset at any of us. I know you shielded us from a lot that you were going through and that is the true color of a parent and a mother. Protect your young. I have regret that I could only help you get to a certain point in your life. It still feels surreal that you’re gone. I think we all have found ourselves having times where we just react and want to text you or call you or hope you’ll pop in. I am glad we had some good times in the last years of your life. I will remember them forever. I really wish you had a chance to beat the odds. I read stories of survival as well as stories of death; and I guess they both have about the same odds going into the fight. I continue to wonder what if? I talk with other people who have lost a parent or parent(s) or even uncles and aunts to tragedy. The story seems to always have the same questions….Why? Why now? Why them? I guess everyone comes out of this so confused. I know all the work we did as your kids for you over the time you were in the hospital has left an indelible mark on my mind and I can’t even really bring myself to go near a hospital. I hate even going to the doctors. I don’t think I want to see the inside of a hospital for like 20 years. I just remember the countless hours, days, months we spent next to your side. I am grateful that I or one of the girls were usually always there to see you and sit with you. Man. So many days and nights. I know there will be more changes to come. I don’t know what they will all be, but I know that need to create a different environment with different things around us. I know that life can be better for all of us. I know it can be a lot better. It may never be the same, but we can’t change that. I wonder about a different life, in a different place, surrounded by different things. Things I enjoy. I keep seeing you coming up my steps of the apartment and out front muddling around as you would do after crossing the street. I see your face and your eyes as I would look at you when we would see each other throughout life. I think about the time I will see you next. I realize you are in Heaven. That should give me solace, but, well, it just doesn’t. Your book will never be closed. We will close out the chapter that was 988 and get the rest of your things and make sure they are somewhere we can go back and remember how special you were. Remember how you did the best you could do and how you made so much out of so little. I heard that so much the last few months. Your mom would do anything she could for you kids. And you did. I get upset thinking how Kane and Ace and Lucy will never really get to enjoy the special person you were. I know we will need to keep your spirit alive. I know that’s our job. I also realize that we have to realize that life changes, people change and people move on from things. Love you. Bobby


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