A chance

Almost 10 and normally expect a call from you driving over to Heather's. It was so regular the last 5 or so years. Logged on for work and just got busy. My window open, city traffic starting to pick up as we get out of this quarantine crap. Nice breeze coming in. These mornings, cold, crisp, clear, I feel like you always enjoyed them. Definitely someone who woke up every day looking at it as a new opportunity for life. I am sure you had like 5-7 cups of coffee. It's funny. I think that would have you all jacked up, but you still stayed somewhat laid back. I was reminiscing a lot after uploading all my sports clippings and stuff from Penn State Delco baseball. About that time in my life. Basically I was a walking zombie or ghost. School, baseball, work. Rinse and repeat. I remember I would take the Windstar to UPS at night and work, stop at the Sev for a breakfast sandwich for when I got home. That time was such a busy time at our house. I was going to college, the girls all in middle or high school, you working at super fresh, just things really moving along. Mom Mom and Pop Pop still in Darby. Feel like things were good then. Just regular people living regular lives. Granted I wish we went to the beach more those days. Seems like we took a long break from any type of vacation since we had the pool. Wish we took a family vacation. That would've been fun to do. Even the Jersey shore. Haaaa. Maybe we could've done Wildwood or something. Anything. It all flew by and now we're at this spot. Ah. I remember just the house being a well oiled machine at that point. My schedule with school and work happened to just fit into everything, so it wasn't really noticeable. I was looking at the baseball stuff. I know that you came to the banquet with me, but I can't recall us being at a table or whatever. That's kind of a blur to me now. I remember I would be able to eat dinner and then go to bed. I feel like you probably only sat down like 1% of the time when you made dinner. hahaa. Always running around. Getting shit done. I sometimes wonder if having all of us around was better for you. You always had someone to engage with, laugh with, talk to and just be around. I realize more and more how important it is to be around people who care about you, willing to listen, but also be empathetic and not one-track mind. Obviously we all have our ways and our thinking. As if the last 5-6 years there wasn't a lot of change in our lives, I think more will be coming. I know we spoke so many times about the "next house" and where you wanted to be living. I mean. You probably looked at every house and trailer on the eastern seaboard. I looked at your pinterest a few weeks back. So many ideas for trailers saved. That truly was something you loved to get into. Fixing them up, making them nice, and just having them somewhere that was nice, peaceful and no stress. Maybe just somewhere quiet....somewhere you didn't have to think so much. I think that's what really drives people to make bad choices, even myself. Overthinking, overworrying, overfeeling. Just taking things way too personally or just stressed or not able to just let it all out. Sometimes I realize that there comes a time you have to scream or just run the other direction. All for good times and what not, but sometimes peace and quiet is good as well. Imagine you driving around this morning with your little cleaning kit and your little Toyota. I think of the last time you drove me around in it. I more so think of the last time you drove it and I was there. I know it was my birthday, but Lam has that picture of you and her in the car after Autograph. I remember the fireworks going off as soon as you left. Sometimes I don't like thinking of all those "lasts". They truly just don't make me happy. I guess cause you had absolutely no idea what was heading straight toward you....I wish we pushed you to get care like you pushed us. This is really something that could've been avoided or at least gotten you better care and have a chance to save you instead of being so reactive. I just saw another woman who had a SAH and a crainitomy. Done by one of the top docs in the country. She legit looked like she didn't even have surgery and was able to open her eyes and see the very next day. Ah. So many opportunities we could've taken to at least be proactive. From all this, I realize the dumbest thing you can do is just wait and see. You just can't live like that....with no information, you have no choices. Miss you Mom. 

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