A chance

Almost 10 and normally expect a call from you driving over to Heather's. It was so regular the last 5 or so years. Logged on for work and just got busy. My window open, city traffic starting to pick up as we get out of this quarantine crap. Nice breeze coming in. These mornings, cold, crisp, clear, I feel like you always enjoyed them. Definitely someone who woke up every day looking at it as a new opportunity for life. I am sure you had like 5-7 cups of coffee. It's funny. I think that would have you all jacked up, but you still stayed somewhat laid back. I was reminiscing a lot after uploading all my sports clippings and stuff from Penn State Delco baseball. About that time in my life. Basically I was a walking zombie or ghost. School, baseball, work. Rinse and repeat. I remember I would take the Windstar to UPS at night and work, stop at the Sev for a breakfast sandwich for when I got home. That time was such a busy time at our house. I was going to college, the girls all in middle or high school, you working at super fresh, just things really moving along. Mom Mom and Pop Pop still in Darby. Feel like things were good then. Just regular people living regular lives. Granted I wish we went to the beach more those days. Seems like we took a long break from any type of vacation since we had the pool. Wish we took a family vacation. That would've been fun to do. Even the Jersey shore. Haaaa. Maybe we could've done Wildwood or something. Anything. It all flew by and now we're at this spot. Ah. I remember just the house being a well oiled machine at that point. My schedule with school and work happened to just fit into everything, so it wasn't really noticeable. I was looking at the baseball stuff. I know that you came to the banquet with me, but I can't recall us being at a table or whatever. That's kind of a blur to me now. I remember I would be able to eat dinner and then go to bed. I feel like you probably only sat down like 1% of the time when you made dinner. hahaa. Always running around. Getting shit done. I sometimes wonder if having all of us around was better for you. You always had someone to engage with, laugh with, talk to and just be around. I realize more and more how important it is to be around people who care about you, willing to listen, but also be empathetic and not one-track mind. Obviously we all have our ways and our thinking. As if the last 5-6 years there wasn't a lot of change in our lives, I think more will be coming. I know we spoke so many times about the "next house" and where you wanted to be living. I mean. You probably looked at every house and trailer on the eastern seaboard. I looked at your pinterest a few weeks back. So many ideas for trailers saved. That truly was something you loved to get into. Fixing them up, making them nice, and just having them somewhere that was nice, peaceful and no stress. Maybe just somewhere quiet....somewhere you didn't have to think so much. I think that's what really drives people to make bad choices, even myself. Overthinking, overworrying, overfeeling. Just taking things way too personally or just stressed or not able to just let it all out. Sometimes I realize that there comes a time you have to scream or just run the other direction. All for good times and what not, but sometimes peace and quiet is good as well. Imagine you driving around this morning with your little cleaning kit and your little Toyota. I think of the last time you drove me around in it. I more so think of the last time you drove it and I was there. I know it was my birthday, but Lam has that picture of you and her in the car after Autograph. I remember the fireworks going off as soon as you left. Sometimes I don't like thinking of all those "lasts". They truly just don't make me happy. I guess cause you had absolutely no idea what was heading straight toward you....I wish we pushed you to get care like you pushed us. This is really something that could've been avoided or at least gotten you better care and have a chance to save you instead of being so reactive. I just saw another woman who had a SAH and a crainitomy. Done by one of the top docs in the country. She legit looked like she didn't even have surgery and was able to open her eyes and see the very next day. Ah. So many opportunities we could've taken to at least be proactive. From all this, I realize the dumbest thing you can do is just wait and see. You just can't live like that....with no information, you have no choices. Miss you Mom. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9/11/01

Not that I would ever want to write about that day in any way, but that day, I guess, well, we all were somewhere, with someone, seeing history, unfortunately be made. I will never forget that morning. There was literally not a cloud in the sky. I guess I was like 24. I know I was working at Vanguard by then. I am pretty sure. I remember, that day, I was just sitting out front, cause it was so comfortable about on Grant Rd. The sun was perfect. The sky perfect. You must've been somewhere in the house. Not that you could get lost. I remember Dad was in his work jeans and sitting upright on his bed. I think all the girls were in school. I was done college. I have this idea of going back into the house and a "oh my God..." or a "Bob, what is going on..." For some reason I remember Dad just being fixated on the Sony screen. There weren't many words to echo during the time the planes were hitting. I remember one thing...the two of you on the bed, the brown and li
Read more

The Working Girl

Image
Thinking back to all the jobs you worked. I am amazed you could ever work a full time job anywhere with the five of us. And you started when we were all still pretty young. I remember the Island Road Super Fresh. Man. I can see myself walking in those front doors and going straight cause your deli counter was straight ahead. I would always do two things. Dip my finger in the pickle barrel and then ask you for a slice of cheese. You always gave me one. You would let me run around in the back and we would say hi to all the butcher and deli people. “Hi So and So, this is my son Bobby…” As years went it was, “These are my kids….Bobby, Lisa, Chrissy…” Ha. Next thing I know I am finishing out my senior year and I start a job at UPS. I don’t know why, but then also asked if you could get me a job at Super Fresh. By this time you were working at the 10th and South store. Man, what a cool place to work. I remember being so nervous cause I was starting on shifts you weren’t working and working w
Read more

Sometimes I can’t

Image
I  can’t tell you how much I miss you cause you won’t hear me. I can’t tell the sorrow Bia and I expressed over her not being able to share Lucy with you. I think of you two being little buddies and all you are missing out on. I don’t so much think of myself. I think of how much Dad misses you. I think of how much the house misses you. I get some hard tears at how much I miss you. My Lord. Seeing Kane be such a great big brother to Ace. Just the fact me and Bia living so close together in the same area and thinking “Mom would’ve liked us being this close”. I just wanted to hug you this weekend. I will always remember my b day dinner we had at The Erin. It’s somewhat heartbreaking cause I remember hugging you. So hard. And you said it was just a little something. I opened it. But then brought it home and never opened it again after what happened. I was just so heartbroken. I still am. I saw a picture of you celebrating a 21st with Nicole (how are you). It all went so fast. I miss you an
Read more