It's just a ltitle something for you.

I went to put some things in my storage unit last night. Also had to get some things out. Saw some of your personal items. Saw your lamps wrapped in newspaper. Saw your baby booties with your birth date and your name on them. Your license. Other things. Mostly things with your handwriting on them. It’s like you wrote so much to leave us breadcrumbs. Maybe what was the last receipt you saved from 7/22/18. Many other things. It’s really hard to just see your stuff all packed up like that. Like a life can be packed up and stored away. Some day we can take all that stuff out and take a look at it. Celebrate it as you should’ve always been celebrated and not “packed away” like some old wooden chair. I know you celebrated life every day you woke up. I know life was harder the last 10 years with back and forth and losing Pop Pop and John. I know how that really hurt you. I can’t imagine any of that, well, now I can. Truly humbling and really makes you human. I had a good cry there last night. Alone. It was beautiful out last night. I left after getting what I needed and just stood by the canal watching the moon reflect off the water. Quietly. No noise. No phone. No one. It was peaceful. That’s all I really want these days. Peace. I am shedding a lot of nonsense and stress lately. Got a good ego boost today that definitely made me smile. We’ll see what happens. Maybe a new opportunity to get excited about. The weather is great here today. I am still working through this bug, but it’s slowly getting out of me. By this time I know you would’ve said that the entire town was sick with something. Haaaa. We had a good time at Lucy’s birthday. Real nice to have people together on such a nice day. Leah is 10. I can just see you being so happy at how she has grown and how great of a little girl she has become. I really feel like you took a special liking to all the grand kids. I feel like it was your second chance to be so excited with life, growth, and their innocence and fun. I think that was really you at heart. A kid by no means, but someone who could just jump right into being such a joyous and excited person; over anything. I get joy knowing their innocent, beautiful souls were all touched by you in some way or another. Really that they KNEW you. Someone they can always remember. It’s ironic…I want to always just remember the good things about this life. And let the bad things get taken out with the tide. I know life has ups and downs, but after our battle for you, I seem to just have no time for being down, negative, drama, etc. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I don’t want to use up my emotions for any of it. I don’t want to remember any of the terrible things from the last 42 years. Can you wipe that from my soul? Someday I will let it all out. Maybe that’s the day I can become truly myself again. Maybe that’s what you really needed. Somewhere to go, alone, or with someone special, to just let it all out. It makes me laugh now how many adults argue and bicker and some who just want to hurt people and you want to almost look at them and yell, “Please, for God’s sake, shut the fuck up!” HAAAAAA. I remember how you would say, “Oh my God Bobby….watch your mouth….” I just don’t have that filter any more. And I don’t really mean it in that way, just in a funny way, like, “talk about something else….something that is just not all about you….” I listen much better now. Still love to talk, but I feel better hearing about what other people are up to. What good or bad they are going through. When I saw grown men crying at your funeral, I knew you were someone who was truly just special to many more than I knew. I look places for things you might’ve left behind. Like Colin’s name in the notebook. I think, “what was she up to when we didn’t know?” I love that so many times, literally hundreds, you showed up with gifts, cards, little somethings for us and your friends and family, things you did on your own time that would make someone else’s day. That’s what being a human being is about. Being an awesome friend/mom/sister/daughter when absolutely no one can see you and no one can acknowledge it. I say that more in my life now. I don’t even tell people what I am up to much. I don’t need the pat on the back. Just need the feeling that the other person appreciates what I did. That’s all. I remember how many times you said, “It’s just a little something…..” When times were tight or for whatever reason, dollars weren’t adding up to getting over the hump, you always gave just a little something. You really would’ve liked the walk we did. I go back to that day because I think of how many people are suffering or suffered loss from aneurysms. I see stories of heartbreak and I see communities of strangers come together. It’s amazing. I also had to reset my expectations of people. Sometimes it’s better to be surprised by someone you expected nothing from rather than to be letdown from someone you expected so much from. Well, it’s Monday….back to making the donuts. Send me and the person I tried to help this past weekend some good vibes. We’re both big fans of you and he has helped me as much as anyone. Love you. Bobby


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