I don’t think the “why” will ever get answered. I think that’s what everyone who are close to you still has trouble figuring out. As if you didn’t have a hard enough time raising the 5 of us, working many jobs, being a super mom, super cook, and caring friend, you got blindsided by an asteroid going through your head. I finally found a clue that something was wrong. I wish I had asked you more about it. Really I just wish that anyone, someone, even a damn stranger would’ve asked you how you were truly feeling…like mentally, physically, emotionally. Those questions we avoid so much as humans both asking and answering, but that are so important. I feel that so much could’ve been done even without any signs. Just people looking out for one another. In the past 12 months I have been contacted and talked with so many people, some even strangers, who have lost brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, in one way or another. This entire process has definitely made me more human. In some ways invincible; other ways invisible. I get that so much more than I did before this. Compassion and empathy, two traits that you truly were very strong at, are so important to being human. I have witnessed people who truly show that and I have unfortunately seen people who are just playing the part. It’s easy to spot the difference. And it’s easy to see why one side really doesn’t have anyone who truly cares about them and one does. I have private conversations with great people from my past and present. People who knew me decades back and still care about me enough to reach out. Truly good hearted people who give a shit. Last year was a terrible year for a myriad of reasons, but I sure do know the extremes of human emotion at this point. I am grateful to you for getting me to a better place in my life with the right people around me and in my life. I actually feel sorry for people who don’t have people who truly care about them enough to reach out. I think about people that weren’t fortunate enough to have the type of strong and loving relationship we had with you. I realize how lucky we were to have you as a mother. I sometimes think about all those holidays. All the great food you would cook, the countless hours you spent shopping with whatever money you could get to give us a nice holiday and all those little cool gifts you would put in our stockings. That’s the great stuff I will always cherish about you. You did such a great job making the private times count. You never made it about you. Never. You were never selfish. You never put yourself on a pedestal. You sincerely wanted people to enjoy their lives. And you never tried to be the only one in the room who counted. I think about that. You wanted everyone to feel loved, to be included, and to feel special as opposed to wanting to be the only person who mattered. I think that is such an important quality in a person and really I only noticed both extremes these past few years. There are just people that include you in life. Plain and simple. They check in on you. They reach out. They do an impromptu text or call or whatever. Unfortunately there are those seldom few who always seem to make it all about them. Fortunately I don’t have those types in my life and if they are, well, I don’t associate with them. We have a lot of people walking this planet and no one is more important than the group. Then again, I think you learn that by really working and flourishing personally as part of a team that reciprocates good times. Be it a family, sports, work, social circle, hobbies or just groups of strangers. I am very thankful that people I was friends in 2nd grade, still call me brother, friend and man. It tells me that I have been good to them. Yes, no one is perfect, but it tells me that in our interactions, they got something out of our relationship. Finally dropping some weight as the hard work in the gym is starting to yield some results. I always feel like I have extra power in there. I push until it hurts and I haven’t done that since college in the weight room. I close my eyes and sometimes see your face looking at me and a wry smile and a pat on the back. I am so grateful we laughed and hugged before you left for another place. I think about that day so very much. I am happy our last physical interaction was one filled with love, joy, a hearty meal, some gifts for my birthday and a son and a mother sharing a private moment that can never be erased. You really set the bar high Mom. Not just for what a mother is supposed to be, but for what a human being is supposed to be. Compassionate, empathetic, hard-working, loving, caring, nurturing, friendly and inclusive. I think about all those things and some of the people who have crossed my paths and you can just ask yourself, “Are you a good human being?” None of the traits I mentioned have anything to do with your monetary value and it’s amazing that we can be all those things without dropping a dime in the bank. I am also grateful I can pull myself away from people who just don’t exude any human qualities. I know they are nothing like me and I know they are nothing like the people we want around. I am happy we had our small circle with you. Our private messages. Our calls. Our moments. I know how lucky we were to have such a special human being by our side. It’s nice out today. I had a little issue with my blood sugar last night, but I am coming around now. I remember how sad you were that it was really something you couldn’t do anything about, but I tell ya, even this hurdle pales in comparison to my last year and what we went through with you and some other situations in our life. But I promise you, we will make it. And as I read, “not because we have to, but because we get to…” I have some plans to make sure the world knows how special you really were. A way for you to be close to one of your favorite places. I just really wish you able to get your shore house. It definitely wasn’t impossible. Nothing was impossible when you were involved. Bobby


Popular posts from this blog


The Working Girl