Sandy Lane

Hi Mom. Just stopping by to say hi. Been really hot here lately. I can’t even imagine you enjoying it being this hot. Like over 100’s hot. Been down the beach a lot. It’s really one of the few places I can get some peace these days. Lots of ups and downs the last few months. Just a lot of people missing their summer girl. I posted the audio of your message about heading down to The Biscuit. Gets me every time. I still don’t know what you say after you first get on. I wonder if you’re just shouting. I am definitely ready for change in just about all facets of my life. Some areas a lot more than others. Work is eh, work. Nothing much good there. Been riding my bike a lot and surfing as much as I can. Just can’t go into the gym with it being somewhat nice out. Malin’s graduation was really nice. It was hot so we were all inside. I got Mal and Beth a picture of all of you at her prom. It came out really nice. So simple. I wrote her a nice note and got a copy for Beth. I am not looking forward to the next 25 or so days. I don’t want to relive them at all. As I type this I am getting nauseas just thinking about it. I still can’t make sense of it. I don’t know why you were taken from us. You had SO much life. My brain doesn’t really conceptualize it all. And I can’t even go into the medical hurdles that lasted for about 200 days. I look at that time in my life and I was literally a robot. A walking, talking, robot. I don’t want to ever have to do that again. I never want to have to have those conversations with doctors. I don’t even want to think of another person’s life ending; but I guess, that’s life and life does end for someone every day. Phillies are doing ok. Not great, but they’re fun to watch. I am really enjoying my time down Brigantine. I am really used to it. I feel like you are there. In the same way I feel about Seaville Shores. It hasn’t been easy to do the things we always enjoyed doing with you. I want to get away from any drama at all at this point and just try and enjoy the little things and not stress out over daily life. I also have no desire to be on a schedule, although we are on a schedule in one way or another. We miss you Mom. I think we’re all trying to keep ourselves so busy and run around, so we don’t have to think about the sadness and void in our life. I just keep thinking about your last months and wonder if you had any signs and clues. I miss hanging out and grabbing dinner or lunch. I literally don’t want to even celebrate my birthday this year. I may just go somewhere and be alone. I don’t want to think what happened after my birthday. It’s like life just had me up on the clouds and then smacked my face against the pavement. There are a few times that I get angry when I think about anyone who made you sad or hurt your feelings. I know you could stand up for yourself for the most part, but then I think about the general life theme. Like I have met a ton of good people the last few months. Just in passing. It’s truly amazing to me how sometimes the people that may hurt a person could be those closest to them. That just doesn’t sit well with me. I mean, as it should not. I wonder if you were happy or sad or hurting or content when you left us. I wonder if you could hear us when you were in the homes. I wonder if you remembered seeing Lisa in Einstein. I watched that video a few times. I feel like it’s the last time you had some life. This summer is surely not as good, not the same, not as happy, and not as salty as it typically was with you. I get sad that you never got your shore house and you really did deserve one. I don’t understand why it couldn’t happen. I feel like it’s all you ever really wanted. Like I was talking to Kathy, that’s all you really wanted, all of your loved ones down the shore with you. At this point I can’t really beat around the bush with shit. I don’t have any time and I am not doing anyone any favors sugarcoating how I feel about the things around what happened to you or your life or how I feel. I also don’t want anyone I care about to experience what we had to experience. Ah. I miss you Mom. I wish you could stop by and just shoot the shit on my couch as I wrap up another day at the fun factory. I even miss your little plastic bag you kept your stuff in. Really I just miss the great person you were. You really made everyone’s day. Love. Bobby


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