I fall. I get up. I fall again...

Hi Mom, Well here we are, another fall, somewhere across the universe, you and Kathy are probably decorating some huge window scape with rubber leaves and tree branches and pumpkins. haha. Oh how you loved this time of year. I get it more as I get older. A time to reset. Start over. Summer is done and new school years are starting for all the kids. Poor Acey and his bus fiasco may have had you driving around looking for him or laughing about me walking home from St. Gabe's. Thankfully, he was ok. I am grateful for lots of things....I try to just be grateful, while being somewhat realistic. I am somewhat over texts and social media; they just aren't the real thing. I think I appreciate how you were that much more, but at 47, sometimes exhausted by the intersection of happiness, accountability and empathy. Feeling that worrying so much about so much, well, that's not my job. It becomes exhausting. I som. etimes think, were people worried about us during our times of struggle. Why is it my job to be so overly empathetic? I wonder how you navigated your level of happiness with being accountable and empathetic, but I feel like the things that truly made you happy weren't always the things people think. Sometimes I think you treasured being alone to have a pretzel and a Pepsi; other times, like the time after my birthday, you mentioned that the house was empty and I should've just "packed a bag". As always,that I wish you had your own place down the shore and weren't at the mercy of others; part of me also knows how upset you were at several occassions where you had high expectations and then huge letdowns and I think that also eats away at me. Time lost to arguments or someone just controlling an outcome. It is weird to me these days....that people want to control other people for enjoyment. I just don't get it. I am so grateful for your level of being physically present in our lives. I know that it took a lot out of you and I also wish you had more time to yourself to just decompress and get off your feet. I hate that you felt like you had to work that much. Times just weren't as tough as they seemed. That's for sure. I deal in reality, not mirages. I realize we all could've worked together to map out realistics plans for better things. That's what adults do. I am also grateful of your silent accountability. Always being there for people without needing a thanks or anything. I remember a story Beth shared with me about cleaning her place up one day. I laughed when I just cleaned the table I am on cause I just did my little spot and not the whole table. I am grateful for your total understanding that while you can't control free will, you realized right from wrong for the most part. I wish you didn't focus on the "why" people do things and just ran towards happiness more often. There is so much I would change about our time here. I am really over worrying about things I can't control and as I get closer to 50, I am coming to that conclusion of "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. The "what do I really owe anyone if I am making myself unhappy dealing with this or that"....Tired of the lives of people on social media so far off their reality of what really is happening, but then again, who is gonna show the losses? 

I truly wish you were here. Especially with all this down time I have. We could've done a few trips up to New England, for some of the best food and best coastal sites. Then I think of you and Kathy spending lots of time making up for lost time at the Biscuit. I truly wish we could've just enjoyed that for another decade or two. She is so so so so missed. I was drivijng the other day in the car when we used to laugh about "Covid" and that it came from "Johnny Wuhanny" and that joked it was made in some govt lab.....oh how times have proven us right. haha. I miss talking to her about you after you passed. I wish we didn't spend so much time discussing stressful situations like the Marge story, John being sick, Pop Pop being sick and then you being sick. That was just too too much. I really wish we could've all done that cruise together. You two deserved to have that fun. It was such a great time....and then there we were....back at square one. 

I am happy and very grateful that you never quit on us, but I realize, dealing with certain shit sure does get old. And you're like, "will this change or will I just change my reaction..." I so much more focus on your actions, not your words, are truly who you are. Granted in the world of text messages, people think they're being present but it's about 1/4th of the real thing. I can't believe you and Kathy are gone, Pop and Nanny in nursing homes and Kathy recovering from so much. I can't believe all this has happened in the span of the last 5 years. That's just too much. Also Dad being sick. I don't think people realize how much is going on with all of us. I try to not be selfish with my time, but of course I try to be present, but physically. I am somewhat tired of a text even sufficcing for interaction, but it is what it is. 

I keep in touch with some of your friends. I know they miss you. I know they have also dealt with their own tragedies and medical issues. I mean, who hasn't? Parts of me wishes we just could sit on the step and talk, look at Grant Rd like we would do before I left for whatever grade. I remember as I got older I somewhat became a blur in the house with you getting all the girls ready. It's ironic how much things have changed. As Lisa and I discussed....families change for lots of reasons. Not all of them are good. I wish we just could talk on the steps and look out at the world and not worry about all the crap going on with our country. I miss the days when I knew so much less than I know now. I hope things get better. I somewhat wonder who really cares about us some days. 

I laughed the other day when I joked with someone at the bar about going to Toni Roni's...and how much we loved getting our little dinners up there. They are still slinging pizzas and sandwiches. I remember we went with few others, but mostly it was just you and I. It was such a simple existence. It amazes me how much money people waste on things and what truly makes them happy probably costs less than 40 bucks. Some food with their favorite people. Well not 40 bucks today. ha. I remember how you would drop me off and that I really didn't have any plans the rest of the day and we could've walked around or down main street or anywhere I lived. I spent too much time in that city and I regret it big time. I wish you had your own shore place to call your own and could make it your own. I think that will always stay with me cause it was very possible given the prices back then and the fact you all were bringing in good money and we were all gone. Many times I just don't get it. I guess just setting goals wasn't really a priority, but I wish it had been. A very tough lesson to learn. 

I made it down the shore two times this year and it was nice. I really just veg out and hardly talked about anything serious. I don't even want to stress on the beach, so I get why you loved it. I remember how much you and Kathy would just talk and laugh. I know that was such a happy place for both of you. In a way, I wish you all just kept the can forever.....it probably would've lasted 100 years. I know you both liked shore houses, but I think the trailer, Seaville Shores, that was where your heart was. I just never saw you two in some McMansion. Although the Bitty was super enjoyable, walkable, and comfortable for as tiny as it was. I wish I could've spent more time with you there. I know you felt alone some times. I get angry that me, or anyone else made excuses to not be down there with you one time or another. The older I get, the more I hate excuses, even my own, about not being present. 

I am hoping things improve for all of us. I am hoping that we all just get to a point to enjoy simple things more and more and drama less and less. I myself can pull myself out of any drama....I can't imagine such a worthless feeling of knowing in 30-40 years, I argued or worried about shit that didn't involve me, didn't have any impact on me and just made me unhappy. I do get why people just up and say "enough is enough", and move on from relationships with people. It happens every single day. 

I mean, if you don't protect your peace and happiness from the enemy, how do you expect to be at peace and happy?

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life. - Omar Khayyam