Summatime....your favorite season

I was driving all the godforsaken backroads of Jersey to get to N Wildwood to see the Fehrle clan. I got caught up in some crazy traffic for most of the trip. At one point I came down into the furthest part of Upper Twp. A small little inlet popped up. It had a little dock a few little boats. Like very small. About the size little bigger than a JetSki. I was remisce to not think away my anger and how many trips you and Pop Pop and Kathy made down to The Can or The Biscuit or Asbury or the Itty Bitty. I was so angry cause I knew I wouldn't get to the shore to have much time and then come back. I saw some things as I got through Upper Twp that just told me to calm down and laugh a little. A tree adorned with crab trap floaters stuck out to me. Then a bunch of crab traps near a catarmaran. I passed over a bridge over the little inlet. Part of me just thought...such a peaceful existence. Part of me always gets sad as I think how much you loved the shore and wanted us to enjoy it as much as we could...but alas....life...I know I drove down tons to The Can or the Biscuit, but most of those trips are a blur. Funny, cause we didn't ever drink. I just think at how you were so at ease and just enjoying your life. I remember the time we went and got cheesesteaks when I came to stay at the Bitty those times. I remember having the conversation with you about definitely renewing the rental for the summer. I had mentioned to Bia that you said you weren't gonna do it because "you were alone and no one really came down..." which I felt wasnt true, but was so heart broken for you. I knew you just wanted a travel buddy to hang out with. When I look back at those times.....I wish someone could've been your travel buddy. Of course everyone has their own lives, but it was hard to know you felt so alone during some times when you were involved in so many people lives in one way or another. I wished so much we had all saved for a shore house growing up. Or at least starting the planning. Hearing friends' families enjoying a family rental, all under one roof, having food and fun, I knew that's all you wanted. I know hot summers at 988, well, they could just get overbearingly hot. Granted you worked many times in Delco and down the shore, I wish we would've stopped and really thought about what it was we wanted out of the summer and family times. I really couldn't remember the last time I walked on the boardwalk with you. That is just not a memory I can recall....you would always stay at home, cooking, or just washing or cleaning...I think the closest we came was that day/night I wanted to celebrate something and we went and had dinner in OC. Some place that was on the corner, but I cannot recall. One of those times where we had our private times and there were no need for pictures or posts or social media. I shared a picture of you and Kathy at the Bitty with Dana and some of the girls. I felt goofy taking that picture and I think I might even have a video, but today, I don't feel bad taking it....

I think of all the things we did growing up at the shore, but it all went so quick and I really wish we spent more time down Seaville Shores. More and more I realize how it was just such a special place for us to grow up and be together. Part of me is jealous of folks who have places, but it's never been a place I wansted to just drink and drink and drink and party. That was never for me there. I am SO happy that I can still visualize both places, your place on Asbury, the Itty Bitty. Mostly cause I just wanted to always remember the times we spent together. I said to Dana how truly missed you two are...especially in summer. Along with Pop Pop. I always feel like my lasting memory with him involved moving his shed at Seaville and our funny dinner trip to Dino's. It's hard to not try and want those times back.....I am also tired of people who think you should just forget about things and move on after people pass...I don't get that. I am thankful for so many summer memories....so many things I miss....

I know the last times I was with you on the beach were July of 2018. I wish we went back with you, had dinner. I wish I didn't just get off the beach and leave. Alas, I was under the spell of a terrible person and just thought we'd have so many more opportunities to spend time together. I guess I am happy we did actually get that time, I took some pictures, a video or two, and we had that time to enjoy. We had some laughs. You and Kathy on the phone telling me to go to the house with the yellow or orange stucco and that's where you all were. Ironically there wasn't many people on the beach that day. 

It's somewhat ironic that we spent more time in other states and countries during the summer than we did the last 5 in NJ. I guess it's relative and we like to travel. I think I would've like another walk on the boardwalk with you. To smell some funnel cake, have you play some games with Lucy and the boys, have you see something in some shop and say 'that's so cute' and then not buy it. Be somewhere you didn't have to constantly worry about money or your living situation or your house needing repairs....be at a place where you were just happy and content and could exhale. I always remember pulling into Seaville shores with the night sky and all the little lanterns lit up and everyone, safe, cozy, probably enjoying a little show or game after dinner. Such a magical place. I am SO happy Mom Mom and Pop Pop had the forethought to just create a place where we could be kids and happy adults. I miss both of them. I miss the cedar smell off the trees, the plastic tub, the faux wood particle board table, mom mom at the sink washign dishes and maybe Harry the K calling the game on the radio. I can still feel that little sofa covered in an afghan gracing my skin, the "rock band", and my pet rock, all the pictures and cool knick knacks. Part of me wants to get back to that; part of me knows that time is gone. I get creating new memories. It's just that you're always such a big part of our lives and that deep void just can't be ever filled. 

When I went to North Wildwood, aside from seeing so many loved ones and few friends and the kids, I just wanted to get in the ocean. It was chilly at first, but it's all I wanted to do.....as well as have a cold one to wash away my anger over such a long drive. I walked out to the ocean with Owen behind me....he didn't follow me in as it was just too cold for him at the moment. I dove in and then just waded in the water....watching people laugh and get pulled around by the current....I had this thought about the ocean and how long it's been here, how many lives it has seen and then lost, how many entire families have been young and grown old in it, how much joy it has given, but also how much power and might it has.I think about times you took me down to the ocean as a boy. I remember ham and cheese sandwiches with sand in them and tiny Pepsi ponies with styrofoam labels (illegal now). I can remember my last time on the beach with Mom Mom. I remember hitching a ride with them to Wildwood....and the sadness that I didn't realize Mom Mom wouldn't be down again....and we could've just stayed at the trailer. We took the van down there. I think of how many special moments we had down there. I wish we had a thousand more. I wish I took so many more pictures and videos of you down the shore....I really only have those ones from the day Lisa and Bia came to Asbury and think I was there for my birthday....and a few of the can....you took so many....I wish we just focused so much more on what was truly important, us, not where the money was coming and going, what needed fixing, problems that could never be solved that day. I wish we just slowed down and said, "this is a really special time.....I am so happy I am spending it with you...."

I know we had so many laughs. I know we had so many good times. The porch Pop Pop built, I know it's gone now, but what pride. That little fenced in porch, that firepit (I think a rim for a tire), the sign "The Kenneys". I miss it all. That's truly what life is about. Not posts, likes, what you own or what you have. That all comes and goes. It's amazing I even dwelled on any of it. I am going to leave this planet with the same shit I entered it with. I can't spend money in the afterlife. 

My currency is salt.....and it has paid me well. 

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." Karen Blixen