Mom

Mom, your special day is tomorrow. You were always surprised by anything we did for you. I laughed and got emotional a few times this week as tomorrow drew closer. At one point I was getting out of the shower and just turned the light off to sit there and remembered how many times you literally just tossed all the girls in the tub for one team bath. Saving the environment. hahahahhaa. I would just laugh at how much simple joy you got out of just doing simple stuff like that, laughing at everyone running around. While I dont remember it, the "baths" you gave me down at Nanny's on Saybrook. I stop and ask myself. Man. You were such a new mom and washing your newborn son in the sink at Nanny's and just laughing. I wish that I could've seen film of such an event. Especially knowning how much Nanny loved you and me and just those simple, free moments. The days that pass without you are never easy. I truly have sadness over other people who have since lost their mothers or fathers. it always gives me deja vu to what we all went through those months with your incident and the following months. Something where you literally have no control and any control you think you had, it's always going to be second-guessed and questioned; everyone has an opinion. I think about so many days and nights in your room. I remember playing my ipods for you. Just hoping for something. I dont really like to think abou those times. They were terrible. 

The other day, I was like, if Mom was alive, what would be my hope for her. Then there are things I know would've changed by now. You and Dad would've been out of Folcroft. I would be sure of that. Maybe that that trailer would become a reality. Many times, when I see Bia or Terry walking Lucy to school, I imagine you holding her hand. I imagine your conversations, I imagine you stopping by my balcony to laugh and have some quick laughs and then say "Ok Lucy, time to get to class, we dont want to get detention...." I think about how she would look up at you and just laugh. How grateful she would be to have an older femal friend. By now you would not be working. You would be able to enjoy so many years on your feet and your poor hands working tirelessly.....slicing/dicing/baking/waking the products of said supermarket. Part of me thinks of what work became for you. Was it your choice or just something of an addiction or something to give you purpose? I think about how you and Ace would be so weird together. He's such a fun little guy. He's so smart, but just a joy to be with. I always throw in an occassional Nonna in when we are alone. He will say "well, she's in Heaven so....." I will always say you are all around us. Hard cause many times I dont feel it, but I try and believe. Part of me feels like I will eventually go somewhere to be closer to you, maybe the ocean this summer. I remember how bad I felt that you missed Lucy's grandparents day. Most kids had at least one grandparent there. Some two. Of course I was the youngest one. haha. While it was an honor, I almost broke down in the car knowing how badly you, Kathy, deserved these times. How much you would've reveled in speaking about yourself with Lucy. And Kane, I feel like you would have such a special relationship with him that just could be so different than he has with Lisa. Different in a good way. The cool Nonna. It's crazy to think fo how much he has grown and you have been gone. I pray you speak to him sometimes when he sleeps. Same with Ace and Lucy. 

I think about some trips we could've taken. Simple ones. Anywhere. So many times and so many weekends that I spent wherever in the area or the world and I wish I just stopped and took stock of things. Not that I could've ever predicted what happend. My neighbor is 69 and lost his brother at 73. I said, I would give my left arm to have 12 more years with my mom. I guess that's what we always wanted with you. More time. I can't write about the last time you left a message on my phone. All you wanted was for me to come over there after dinner for my last birthday. That is one thing I just can't really go through again. We had a nice dinner and you gave me some great gifts in the parking lot of The Erin and then you went home and I went home....both to empty places. You happened to call me and left me a message. Maybe we actually spoke. I can't remember now. How no one was home and I should've just packed a bag and stayed over. I wish you just flat out said to all of us..."All I want is to have you all hang out some more...." Part of me thinks you thought it would be selfish, but at 46, going through so much the last 10 years, I realize there is ZERO wrong with saying that. And it's not about being somewhere by the sea, in the city, in some other country or state...it's just about enjoying the company you have around you, no drama, no craziness. Part of me wishes as a family we had done a trailer of our own like 20 years ago. Something to just spend time and make memories. I feel like between 7 of us, it wouldve been easy. Alas. Money spent on other things. I think it would've been great to just be a normal family and throw out some ideas to spend time together. I feel like we just kept avoiding that need and your wants. I feel rude for doing that. Granted I did as much with you as I could, but a nice group thing would've been proper. These days I get real tired of excuses......you cant do this or that cause of this or that. It seems to be a common theme in the world today. I think about excuses to not just spend time together and how BS they are. Then a person is removed by the will of life.....and we dont have that chance to have those moments. 

I think I would ask you about your day. I would definitely ask you more about how you were really doing. I would want to know if you were tired. If anything seemed off. The subtle clues I now have from the year before your incident haunt me. Not that I really could've known they were clues. I punch myself at why you didn't go to the doctors more, why you didnt say anything, if stress you carried and the smoking was just doing something to you. I mean I know it was now. I really just hate the fact that all of you smoked and are now gone. I never really said anything. I dont know. I wish you were just more up front with all of us that something was wrong. I wonder if you ever stopped worrying about things you just couldnt control. 

I would ask you about your favorite places to go. I would want to know about what you want to do with your free time. I also wish we did more trips like we did to Newport. That place will always serve as a beacon of great memories for me. I am so grateful you got there with me and Kathy and Lisa and Aaron and the boys. 

Really, I just wish I could hug you and tell you how much you meant and mean to me. I feel like while I always said I love you, more these days, I think about whether I really emphasized how special you were to me. I realize I was your built in babysitter and someone to rely upon at different parts of my life, I started to travel, was basically living in DC and road tripping to Newport. I wish I brought you to NPT when I first started going up there. It woudve been nice. I didn't know I was on running clock. I guess we all are. 

I am very happy you got to experience Mexico with so many people who loved you. That was such a special time for Dana's wedding. I think between that and Lisa's wedding, you, Kathy and Colleen just really had so much fun together. I miss the three of you getting to enjoy time together. I miss that Colleen doesn't have either of you now and I can't replace either of you in any context. 

I guess that's what defines a special person, a special woman, a special friend, a special sister, a special Nonna, a special Aunt, a special Mom....someone who cannot be replaced. 

Love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day. Your boy in the sink. Bobby