A gray day

Lights off. Gray day. Snow. Traffic passing by outside. This day, although not sunny at all, reminds me of you. I envision you heading out early. Gotta get your shit done before “this big storm hits”. Haha. Any snow or rain to you was like the second coming of Christ on Earth. I know you woulda been on my ass about going out last night. I can laugh at that side of life now. The American drinking hole. Where politics, commerce, family, dysfunction, sports, race and creed are talked about. Then again no one wants to talk about politics for fun. Haha. I think I’ve started to forgive myself for any time spent away. As many say, you have to live your life. So back to you. I imagine you calling me, “shooting the shit”, telling me to just hunker down and make myself a nice good hearty meal and stay cozzyyyyyy. And you telling me you’re gonna order  Chinese 2.00 for extra shrimp and watch some tv on the couch. I think about you on that couch. Resting your weary feet, your tired hands, your worn out body. All those years of literally breaking your back to make it all happen. I wish you got some more vacation time. I know you enjoyed being busy. I know you even enjoyed the places you worked. Just part of me, wish you could’ve had like a year off. Looking back I realize you didn’t know what you didn’t know. I probably could’ve helped you more. People will tell me I was a good son to you. I know we spent a ton of great times together. I’m SO lucky I had that relationship with you. I really realize that. Being a momma’s boy as Jason would say, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It’s a sense of pride. Pride of the Protector. Pride of being a man. I passed a car that was just like yours. I passed it and looked in the driver side window and I saw you. I couldn’t not see you. Then all the memories flood back. We’ve been in that parking lot. We’ve been driving around manayunk. We’ve been down this road and that road. Your footprints dot so much of the area. It is hard for me to break away from that but I’m close. A few houses popped up, but just one reason they weren’t the right fit. So I’m close. I think what you would be thinking and saying. You would want me closer and I would want you to spend time at my new house. That won’t happen in a physical sense but you will be there spiritually. As you are inside of me. We sure do miss to you Mom. Your journey seemed to just be getting started and I imagine so many things you were going to do. Changes you were going to make. I know how bad you wanted to quit smoking. I really should’ve supported you more on that but I know what that’s like. I wish I just strapped you to a car seat and took you to the doctors. Literally maybe one or two times in the last years and maybe something could’ve been done. I don’t want to have regrets about what could’ve been done. I know about free will, I know I wasn’t your boss. No one was. I just miss our talks, our trips to wherever and sitting across the table, enjoying a good dinner. I would even take the cramped kitchen table at 988 and one more chance to talk. I can’t believe that time is gone. I want to be grateful and I am, but sadness like this is different. I guess I don’t like the fact it’s permanent. It’s one thing I never wanted to commit to. Bobby 


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