Our Christmas

This is the first and I guess what will be for the rest of my life. Christmas without you. Going into it I tried to stay distracted. Lots of things about this time of year just represent you. The decorations, the food, the gifts, the wrapping paper, the big laugh, the smile, so much. You truly did spend so much of your soul and energy doing everything during the holidays. The older I get the more amazing I find it. Christmas Eve was really nice. Lots of love and the kids playing. Lots of distractions. I had wrapped a gift for Nanny and when I got there I took her downstairs and there was no one in her living room. We sat down and I watched her excitedly unwrap it. She saw it and immediately started talking about you and then her voice cracked and then I started cracking. We had a really special moment. She also told me about long walks you took down the shore during those times that I never knew about. Always had those special times with your special people. We had a good hug and then she got Nick’s gift and showed everyone. Ha. We gathered down the basement for the gift exchange and Nan had a special message again this year. After the craziness of the gift exchange, Lam said something nice about you and missing you. After that Stef and Tim surprised her with a special gift. The ring she had lost from you. The exact same ring. I was so amazed. I was so thankful. I had mentioned our bad luck this year but I said things will turn around and the ring was part of that. So amazing. Such a great time and just some normalcy and peace.

We went to Lisa’s for Christmas and more amazing food and gifts. The girls all got me some things for my “future” home and my new life as a chef. Ha. Bia got me a framed picture of your diary post about the Kentucky Derby. A day I will never forget. I can remember it so vivid. I got into harrahs before the Derby and got you two tickets. I had no idea how to play. I sent you a picture and then made my way over there to give you them. While we didn’t win, you wrote such a special message and you kept the tickets. Bia also wrote a very special card that meant a lot. All I really want is to see them happy but I do need to be reminded that it’s time for me to be happy as well. We had a great time at Lisa’s. All the girls, Dad, Kathy, and Tom. And the food?! Amazing!!!!! I went home to continue to gluttony as pop pop would say and made myself some food that night. It’s been a great week.

A few of us posted on your page. It was hard to read even my own. I dream of seeing you drive up the street, you see Nancy getting her Xmas lights in order and roll the window down to say some smart ass comment like, “Geez, Nanse, you want NASA to see them ****ing lights?!” Then you two talk for 30-40 mins about life, making ends meet, the kids, the ones we’ve lost, being there and a Merry Christmas to both and on your way...most likely to get smokes or milk from the Sev. How I long to see that moment again. Your sister misses you dearly. We talk a lot about you and life going on. She misses her buddy and there is a hole in my heart I wish I could fill for her, but I cannot. We just speak of your funny side, your love and keep on going. As you did every single day.

Today I decided I just needed some time to myself. I really hadn’t just stopped all week running and I needed some down time. Slept off and on. During one sleep you appeared in my dream. Must’ve been your Christmas getup cause you had a red sweater on and red pants. I was laughing. You were sad and you were crying and sitting across from me. You were crying so hard you had to tilt your head back to stop. Then we just hugged. I could feel the hug through my sleeping. I could just feel both of us resting our heads on our shoulders. I am happy I saw you during the holidays. It wouldn’t be the same without you. I can’t thank you enough Mom. You are the good inside of me. You are the good I see in others when I don’t want to believe. You are the bar when it comes to what a mother can be. We truly did miss you, but there are constant reminders of your beauty and your soul. I saw them. I know I will continue to see them.

Merry Christmas Mom.


PS...Newport looks beautiful in the snow. I wore my Newport shirt and Kane saw it and said, “Hey, I have one just like that...” I know he got to be there with you and that makes me so happy inside.


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