How are youuuuu?

I just came up with that title and thought of you and Nicole and Anne Foley in your store having a ball. Man. You truly loved working with that crew. I wish there were some pictures of you guys in action.

I go to Shoprite when I need something. Since I work from home, I can go at random times. Wednesdays are for the old people. Man. I see people like in their 90's. Part of me is like, "why did my mom not at least live to be 70, 80, etc...?" Part of me is like, "I hope these people have someone who REALLY appreciates them...and really talks to them...and lets them know they are happy they're alive...." I also wonder if these times are depressing for them. Remembering when they were young, vibrant, in the days when life was so simple and slow and getting a Coca-Cola or a Hershey bar was a treat..or talking about making it through The Depression, World War II, The Korean War, Vietnam, and all the wars the last 30 years. I often want to ask them, "When were you born? Where are you from? What is the best moment in your life? Who is your special person....?" I wonder what their answers will be. I wish we sat down and talked like that. I think we always talked about current stuff. What I was up to? Where I was going to get my food? Things with the girls, your endless search for the perfect house. Well, I think you found one every day. Ah, how I would give my right arm to be sitting with you on some porch, watching the waves come in, talking and laughing about life. It all just went by in the blink of an eye. I find myself looking over my shoulder or really looking for you. I keep hoping that there will be some more signs that you are close by. Work is work. I am looking forward to wrapping up this year. I can't say that work is enjoyable. Pays the bills and that's about the extent of my involvement. I remembered a tough time we had together a few years back. That ride down to the shore. It was a gray and muggy day and bumper to bumper traffic. I was in a mood and we made it to Chrissy's. We argued and I said things I regretted. I knew you were frustrated. I was. I remembered that day after you had your rupture. It haunted me for many months. Recently I came to remembering that I did apologize to you about that day. You said, "it's ok Bobby. I know you were angry and you don't mean it..." It was weighing heavy on my heart, but I know we always had no problem apologizing to each other. I guess that's what made our relationship good. It's getting close to Christmas. Not really in the Christmas spirit yet. I keep thinking you will surprise us and come back, but I know that's not happening. I am looking forward to the time off. I need it. I literally just want to let the air out of my head. I want to be away from work and the faked stress of that nonsense. I wish you would come back, decorate 988 with the warmth and love you always made during the holiday.You always made miracles happen during this time of year. When I look back, I don't know how you did it all. The shopping, the decorating, the wrapping, the cooking, the cleaning. I literally just can't believe how much you did while working and caring for 5 kids. It's truly amazing. I hope you know how much we appreciated it. I do wish things would've been different the last 10 or so years. I wish we had somewhere we all really felt 100% comfortable, but maybe that's why we are where we are here today. Things are so different. I can't say that I like it the way it is. I know some things are the new norm. I know that I have to adapt and change. There has been so many friends and family have experienced devastating loss. In my mind, I feel like you were the first this year. Maybe you welcomed so many good people who have passed on. Maybe you were there at the gates. It's hard for me to think of ways of how to heal these people. Like I recently read, grief comes in waves. The first ones are 100ft high and come every 10 seconds. I guess what I take is that the waves will slow. I guess I am happy to be afloat. Getting excited to give the kids their gifts. They really are the pure joy of the family. Taking my mind back to that place that you always coveted and supported. Parent is an understatement when I think of you. Just doesn't do you justice. I am thankful that we have survived to this point. I want to close out the year on a positive note. I want it to be filled with happiness, love, support, some tears and lots of smiles and maybe a few miracles that help us remember you. Not that I need that. You are with me every day. You are with a lot of people. I am thankful we all are still here. Thriving, growing. I don't want to continue to feel like we are stuck in cememt. I realize life is about growing, learning from mistakes and not making the same ones. I think that concept sometimes got lost on me, you and others. I know that change just has to happen. You leaving us sure did change everything. I used to get angry that people still have their moms, but I now realize that no one was like you and that there are kids who don't even have relationships with their parents. They've moved, their parents moved, strained relationships, just not on the same page, or worse, they just don't care or they aren't much of a parent. I get all that. I realize we all have free will. I guess in my mind if you have a child, you should try to do right most of the time. Maybe I will understand more about that when I am a parent, but I know you will be looking down and helping me. I know you look down on all of us. Please keep on doing that. We need it. I will write again before Xmas. Bobby


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

9/11/01

The Working Girl

PattiByTheRoad?