You are the gift to us.

Tonight at Fox Lisa setup Christmas decorations and a nice “scape”, just like you would. It really made the room feel a lot warmer. As the winter chill continues to be constant, our thoughts and hearts are always on you. Lisa got out some of the decorations you gave her over the years. I picked up a bag that said, “To: Nonna From: Your Skiddamarink”. Really hard to read. I sat next to you for a few hours. Just looking for a sign. A sign of anything. I miss all the life you literally brought to life. In the hardest of times throughout the years, you’ve been there. Never really judging, but always supporting. All the while I know you were struggling with your own stuff. I know you and I butted heads many times. I guess I was trying to be there for you and then got mad that I was spinning my wheels. You are so missed. Every day someone will say something or post something or tag me or share a memory. I know this will not get easier. The battle we have waged since September 6th, with getting your care and getting it paid for is still continuing. It’s actually equally as hard as seeing you in this condition. I have regrets over not being more present for you, but then Kathy or Lisa will tell me that I spent a lot of time with you and was there; more than many sons are. I sometimes just sit and think if you felt alone or sad when you were at the house. I guess my mind just wanders and doesn’t really think a lot of the good times. It was always great growing up and spending Christmas with you. Over the last 20 years, well, it wasn’t easy to do the holidays. I know we all did the best we could and danced around topics. You and I always got together privately to exchange gifts. At this moment I can’t remember the last gift I got you because I bought so many over the years. I just can’t think of not buying you something for your birthday or the holidays or hearing you say, “Ohhhhhh, thank you Bobby….I am going to wear this or use this or can’t wait to….” Always so grateful. And over the years I also recall you struggling financially and we would share gifts and you would say, “I wish I could get you more, but this is the best I could do….” Your support and love as a mother and a friend were the greatest gifts a son could get. Also your honest opinions about all things in life. This time of year I am missing Pop Pop and then now you are added to that. I know life isn’t fair, but I just feel cheated. I wasn’t asking for forever, but 60 is so young to me. I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. I read and hear stories of people who are younger and pass and it also gives me perspective, but also makes me feel sad for them as much as I am sad for us. I will go back and see you tomorrow. I hope you open your eyes so I can look at you and you maybe see me in some way. Love you Mom. Please come back to us. Bobby.

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