All that we wanted

We had a nice Thanksgiving at Uncle Jimmy's. While everyone couldn't be there, so many were. I was so happy that Nan got a chance to be with all of us; especially Pop. I had talked to Pop about getting Nanny out of there for the holiday, but also didn't want to impede on anything anyone else had planned. I can only imagine how much you would be up there visiting her. I imagine you would have finally quit working....after so many years of backbreaking work....you could just have some time to yourself...and you definitely would be there for Nanny. I know, like helping others, it would've just given you more purpose to "get up and go". We had a great time and it was good to see everyone. It was actually a beautiful day. A perfect weather day for Thanksgiving. I was thinking of the pictures I had taken at Jimmy's only 6-7 years earlier. You were turning away, but I caught you with the lens. In some respects I would've loved to have had Thanksgiving with you, in our old dining room, and the warmth of our old house. I can only imagine how happy yoiu would've been. Granted we always have a great time at Jimmy's. Him, Dana, their kids do a great job, everybody brings something, the house is always so warm and cozy...a la Saybrook....I am thankful of Jimmy's generosity to open up his home to so many. We had another good year of blessings. Nan broke down as usual. I could kinda of hear you saying, "Awwwwwwe. Nan...." I wanted nothing more than to leave and call you from the road. I've missed that. On the flip side, a "you should come here" was always following a how are you? I think that's the part that pulls at my heart strings. The parts that have already been written and I cannot change...no matter what type of power I do or do not possess. Those moments are set in stone. Those moments are hard. I know we all go through "imposter syndrome" at times in life. I am goijng through it now with a new job. As much as we are part of something, we are sometimes just flying solo, as part of nothing. I haven't been to the house much. Just more cause of this program I am in. I can see you always waving from the door, half open, steamed up, you and your brown jeans and some type of sweater. haha. 

You are so truly missed. When I see the windows steam up on my balcony door or my window of my bedroom, I think of you....cooking away. I am usually cooking.....a lot now....I wish we did that. I wish we took a cooking class. That would've been fun....and I think we would've. You were just getting into your retirement...enjoying your free time and not working so hard. I know you enjoyed working certain times, but I know how much of a number it did on your body. I am so thankful for all your work brought to our home. I remember you used to bring fried chicken home from Super Fresh. It was so good. I hope you knew how proud of you we were for how hard you worked. I just wish we had so much more time. Yes, we did more than many kids did with their mother, but there was so much more that we could've done. I saw a episode of Gordon Ramsay's Uncharted in Maine and immediately thought of you cooking. The coast, the fresh fish, lobster, churned butter....I can just imagine you saying....."Bobby you should see all the great stuff they're cooking...right from Mother Nature...." I get angry that you were taken from us. And I don't care what anyone says, your time was not supposed to end at 61. Absolutely not. Just seeing Lucy grow and little Acey and just how we are all changing....you just deserved so much to see it all. I dont even get it when I see people who are like ancient. I am happy for them, but then bitter. I am sure you and Kathy are looking down on us. I don't really want to think about Christmas right now. I want to just think about the good times we all had with you. How special the holidays were to you, how much you loved to cook, how great a wrapper you were, how warm you made our house, how hard you worked to get us gifts that showed thought and care and just made it a special time. Ironically I really just dont remember many of my Xmas gifts as an adult. I feel like we just missed out on so many more holidays with you. So many gifts. Reasons to plan and share and just enjoy each other. I get exhausted of the "live for the present" stuff. Yeah, it's great, but people who want to spend time together plan to spend time together, plan trips, plan to just enjoy each other's company. 

In the end I just wish you were here....to talk to you on the phone, a hug, a wave. Life is missing so much without you here. Life is not even close to as good as it was with you in our lives. It is different and of course not in a good way. I wish we were just proactive about your health. I wish you were. I realize now there are just so many things that we could've done, alone, as groups, just to be proactive about our health. It's worth the time. I just don't get it. Like the doctor said, one MRI would've found what was going on in your head. A 15 minute scan and they would've seen what was happening. 15 minutes and there is a 99% chance you're with us today. I just don't understand that. I just wish you cared about yourself enough to have looked out for yourself.