Steam

I was talking to Theresa over messenger. She's meeting up with some of your old high school friends soon. We met up with Joe and Colleen and had dinner and had so many laughs and such a great time. It was just such a great time to see them, talk about old times and stories with you, Pop Pop, Mom Mom and Kathy. It's a cold, gray, day. I am in class, but I am not into it. Bia has her cheer team on the field outside my window, but can't really see them. I was talking to Theresa about all your decor for the fall. I actually said to her, "she may have liked fall more than summer, but she'd never say that..." Like mom mom with her ceramics, I would say I took it for granted all the great decorations you always put up. From the simple door stickiers for fall. I will never forget those little rubber sticky leaves you would put up on the door. They were so colorful. And cant even get into the steps. So much color, so much life. Always just filled with love, color, life, positity. I took that stuff for granted I told her. I know I saw all of them and re-arranged them. haha. I may or may not have said, "Mom, these really look great....you really did a great job." That makes me emotional that I cannot say that to you today. I hope that maybe I said it, but it's a blur as to a specific moment. I hope you knew how much good you did and how much we appreciated you. I realize more as I get older than even if people make mistakes or they aren't verbal communicators of feelings; acknowledgement is SO important. You made our home feel so great. Never once was it dirty. Never once did it not look like a house I didn't want to enter. As I type this, it's cold outside. A dream from my reality, walking up to the house, the door half cracked, partially steamed from you cooking in the kitchen. The smell of....well.....what couldn't you cook...some pork in red sauce, some clams and lingeeeeeeeen (that I never ate again after getting sick that one winter), my fav, a BLT, heck oatmeal, your famous cakes (for your side hustle bitches). Man. I really just never had pasta since I last had it with you. While I do like it, it's just not the same. I really took to the pork in red sauce. I really wish that I came around more during the years you really got into cooking that. Granted we had some great dinners all over; but I know how much pride you took cooking, being with us, being with your family. I have taken to cooking so miuch more with my grill, the air fryer. Me and Dad joked that I might've been cooking the ass of the cow. hahaha. What can I say, I am a sucker for a good deal. It is crazy how much has changed and also how much has stayed the same. I saw Nanny a few weeks ago. It's hard cause she doesn't understand, until I tell her several times, that you are gone. She also just gets so shocked when she learns Kathy is gone. We sit, we are silent, and we just take that time to each other. Since you've been gone, I definitely try to not get too bent over the daily or the ups and downs. it's not worth it. Come to the conclusion, there are things we like and things we don't. Things we can learn to accept and adapt to and I guess things that we can't. We just keep moving through the day. Many days I wonder how you got so much done in your days. Maybe that's why you slept so good. You had to be exhausted. I dont tend to look at any of your videos from the hospital, but I was moving stuff from my phone and saw a few of them. I never really thought you were "gone". I wanted to believe that you were in there somewhere and working your way back to us. It's just not worth focusing on the negative of those times. We aren't the first and only family that went through that. I know, even if your body stayed healthy, that you wouldn't want a life in a bed. My friend Erin's father is now bed ridden. A true outdoorsman who can't leave his room. It's like deja vu. In any case, I am happy you had great care where you were. Even Einstein when you woke up for a little bit. When I think of that video, all I can imagine is how bad you wanted to talk. The brain is so complex, yet fragile, like the heart. Surprised to tell you that your car still works. haha. you'd be like wow. In a dream I would drive over the house and hug you and get a cheek kiss and just feel one of your old sweaters you would wear and sit down, be calm, and wait for dinner to finish. That's the dream. No phones, no internet, no fake news, no mass media bullshit that is a complete waste at this point....just our home, our food, our hungry bellies, our safety, our place in the world....where we can be ourselves and not worry. I get it sometimes more now than ever. Go where you are surrounded by good and love and you'll be okay. Here's to your fall scape. 

This day is the same weather as it is today. Me, you, Pop Pop. I don't even know why we were down there....but I wish I could be there now...with both of you. Miss you so much Mom. Bobby



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