Krispy Kreme

There's this new program on Discovery called The Food That Built America. They start talking about a donut shop in Winston Salem and another in Quincy, Mass. Here it was Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts. I was laughing. Saying Mom would get a kick out of this show. All about food and such good stories. I remember you would bring these "wet" donuts back from different stores you worked at. They were always so good. They would be in the white boxes with the green decorations and green writing. Looking back it must've been the 90's you started bringing them home. I remember another box that were really good you couldn't eat just one. I remember the krispy kreme ones cause they were just so different. Nothing we had ever had. I also remember what I thought were wet donuts, but that's how they were made. It stinks that all the memories we have with you are set in stone and new ones will never be made. We really could've used you just about every day the last 3 years. We are at such a loss without you here. Such a large void in our lives. So many times I've wanted to call you. We had a nice day for Nanny on Saturday. I printed out some pictures for her birthday. Pictures from all different times in her life. Her with you, her kids, her sisters, her brother, her grandkids, her great grandkids. In a way, all I could do was be happy with her being so happy and excited to see us. Just happy to be out of the house and enjoying life. It was actually a particularly warm day for mid March. I know you would've totally loved being up with all of us. Just a mish mash of people, but family nonetheless. It's a somewhat hard transition for me. I can't speak for anyone else. So exhausting worrying about superficial things I sometimes know wont even matter 10 years from now. Then I go back 10 years ago...and just about the best time in my life. And part of me remembers us talking on the phone so much. I would always get a call or text from you on my trips to DC for work. Always a have a safe trip. Such a caring individual. I realize how easy it is to send a text these days. I also realize how many people slowly shrink their circles....or it's all just virtual. I don't know. Maybe I just see that. Things are definitely not the same, but we try. What else can you really do but try? The kids deserved to have you around a lot longer. Everyone did. I know you'd be so in love with all the kids and with what everyone is doing. I would've loved to have you over my apt and know how easy you could go to Media, see BLT, go to Wawa for a big fountain soda. Really happy I moved here. I just wish you could've experienced it with us. Different times from those 5-6 months come back to me. I can't even count how many days I said hi to you in those rooms. I knew that things didn't look good. I always hoped you would wake up. I always hoped you would come back. Not once did I think, "she's gone, she'd not here, she's dead...." I never gave up. I am proud of that. It makes me feel more human to never give up on someone you love. We sure did try as hard as we can. To this day any opinions on how to handle those days fall on deaf ears. It is truly not something you ever can practice for nor can you ever forget how it made you feel. There is no strength that fight those feelings. Not sure where I am going with this one. I wrote the donut part a while ago. I'm tired. I remembered how you would curl up on the couch and just take a nap. I remember you always being full of energy, but also sleeping like a rock. I know you were exhausted. I know that. I wonder sometimes how you may have held your breath and held things in. It bothers me. I know you just wanted the world to know how you felt, what you thought, what you liked, what you didn't like. I know you hesitated to speak up some times. I listened to that voicemail of you and Parker. I laughed. You are so happy and laughing with her. It helped me remember what it was to be your "kid" all those years ago. It helped me remember when you could make me crack a smile at my worst times. It made me remember how special you were to everyone....It made me remember that being special to people is a lot more than being bad towards them. You are so sorely missed. Bia's birthday is coming up. I wish you could celebrate with us. I wish she could hug you. I wish you could see Lucy and play with her. I had a dream of you. you had these air like wings on you. Long and flowing, but not detailed, but blurry. In the dream you bent down to not hug Ace, but just hold him with his head over your arm. It wasn't something I ever saw you do here on Earth. If anything, I am happy that Ace will one day be able to say that you held him. He touched you. If nothing else, you touched your grandson. I wish you were here Mom. It's not easy. Bobby



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