Mooring

It's cold and windy out today Mom. The wind howling as we were supposed to get snow today. Of course I thought about so many times growing up. Today was one of those days you expected snow the whole day, but yet none came. None I saw anyway. I wanted to call you before my first day today. I wanted to hear your voice of excitement. That excitement few people can harbor for someone else changing jobs/lives/etc. I visited Malin when she was home for Thanksgiving. I don't recall that I wrote about this. I drove through the Erin parking lot and just slowly passed by the last spot we last spent time face to face. That time is so close, yet so much has changed since that time....literally days before your "last" day. It's a very vivid memory. It's always in the front of my head. Everything I did during that meal. People around us enjoying their meals. Us just having small talk. It's so weird today that was the last time I saw you. It's almost so sad it's funny to think about. Poof! Like a genie going back into a bottle. Another holiday without you. I know you can see us all, but my God, your presence is so truly missed. And I can't even get on about Kathy. Many many times since she has passed I have truly longed to hear her specific voice. Her great laugh. Her echo of our names....that she was just so special about saying. It was only yesterday we were eating our dinner from a break from Atlantic Care. I think it was a Ruby's or a TGIF in AC. It didn't even matter. I told Kathy, "we'll get that shore house....we'll get it and enjoy telling stories about you." I watched that video of you sweeping a few times. I really wish you got what you wanted. I know you only wanted something to go to. Put your feet up. Rest. Relax. Forget about life for a while. In my mind, I know you got what you wanted in heaven....but we can't visit. I have more than enough to keep me busy with this new job, new company. Away from the terrible situation I was in at my old place. Away from people who don't care about anyone. Away from the past. I know you would say...."just forgettaboutthem Bobby...they're a buncha loooooosers anyway....." continued few days later...lots to be done for this new job. Part of me wants to do very little. It's amazing to think how you did so much in the day...then managed to come home and cook for us...clean...do Mom things. 

I was sitting at my desk. Lots of time training...I got this weird thought of 10 years from now. I swear, I could sense the smell of a dock, or some type of deck near salty water....and fish. Ha. It was such a weird thought to have in the dead of winter. I think I had replied to someone about my job....training...answering someone who asked how today or the training was going. All I could say was "work". I know you just worked as a means to an end. All I wish I could've done was made enough to get you another summer at the bitty or the trailer or whatever. Part of me wished you took me up on that offer of grabbing a place...then I think you may have been alone on that fateful day. I used to think like in the movies people just keel over from a very stressful moment. I know it's not like that. It's a build up like a volcano and an explosion. Not something I like to think of, but it is what it is. Bia wrote something the other day and it really was such a twist on you being gone. We go into another year and we are further away from the last time we saw you....or are we closer to seeing you some time in the future. that may be dark, but in a weird way, I know you are somewhere you are surrounded by love. I constantly think of what I want to say to you and Kathy as you stand together in front of me. It was like 10 years ago we were helping Pop Pop get through that mess from that thief he employed. We were standing in the parking lot in Collingdale after talking to the detective. Everyone out there to talk, you and Kathy smoking...it's weird. something that was 5-10 mins at a time does so much damage...that I wish I could knock your hand off. I know better that it wasnt just the smoking. I just get totally frustrated I couldn't see inside your head. I knew what was inside your heart saved you many times, but inside your head could not be saved. 

We miss you so much Mom. As much as we'd like to act like it's normal...it is so far from that. I think part of me doesn't look at it as not thriving, but trying to survive you being stolen from us. That rental place is stamped in my head. Part of me wants Chrissy to move cause her apt was where we learned you were basically gone. 

Part of me wants to retire up in Newport and call it a life....maybe throwing a line off some jetty or dock or mooring. Seeking some salty air....a sunset...a dream of what could've been...the dream. 

My favorite picture of Newport will never grow old. It's not one we took up there...but it's just along where me, you and Kathy walked. Sun setting...and time for quiet.