Time is of the essence

I know you didn’t like doctors or hospitals, but if one of us, had some issue or whatever, you’d tell us to go. I know that you didn’t want to get any tests done or take stuff. I guess that’s where my wondering is. You had 5 kids, all had doctors, all born in hospitals surrounded by medical personnel. All were healthy (I think). Aside from some minor things, all came out good. I know you had that issue with blood clots in your 40’s or so. I just don’t get why you couldn’t get an annual checkup. I know there’s a huge chance that your situation wouldn’t have been caught, but there is a chance that it would have. I get angry when people suggest that it would have never been picked up. I wonder why taking care of YOU wasn’t more of a priority to you. Maybe you were thinking like many, you’re going to live forever. I get that. I mean, but today, I NEED doctors. I need medicine. I need care. Many do. Like many. I can count on more than one hand just out of our family. I guess it comes down to numbers for me. One 30 minute visit a year. Like less than 1% of the time in a year. Maybe like a lot less. One visit a year to take care of you. I wish I was at the house more and just planting a bug in your ear. Just so you knew I cared about your health and well-being. Would you quit smoking? Probably not. I know you tried many times. I know it was hard. I wish I could’ve supported you more in that, but I know I couldn’t. I was proud of you for trying. The “last pack” picture you posted. I know it was a stress reliever for you. So maybe that’s why it was a daily thing. I would’ve went with you to the doctors. I would’ve easily sat there for you as you offered to do for me many times with my diabetes. I get that you would be scared, but if one of any of those visits. Maybe 20 since your clots would’ve caught the things going on in your head. Maybe we would’ve have a shot at saving you. I get annoyed when someone says, “oh well, what happens happens…” We live in an era with amazing technology and amazing humans and together, MAYBE, we would’ve caught it. Not that I would want you to be less than 100% or be sitting there and not be able to do anything. I think that’s the relief in all of this. The 100 or so visits I made to see you over those 6 months, 180 days or so, I didn’t like seeing you like that. I don’t like looking at the videos of that. It’s not you. Well most of them. That one from December Lisa took is just really the chance God gave you to see one of your children for the last time. I SO wish I was there for that. Maybe I would have some closure. You just really got a bad deal. I read so many stories now of young and not-so-old people who just up and die. Death does not discriminate. I tell them how sad I am for them. One girl lost her mom who was also young. She sounded much like you and we bonded over that. She said her mom always met a friend wherever she went. That made me laugh. Life is definitely not the same. The color of life is just sometimes not there. Not as pleasant. Things aren’t as funny. Sun shines, but there’s a dimness about it all. I will have beef with God when I talk to him. It wasn’t like we lived some lavish life at all. It wasn’t like things were easy. I feel like if anyone deserved a break, it was you. I wish I could’ve seen into your body, inside your head. I wonder if sometimes you really just were upset or sad and didn’t know where to turn. I wish you would’ve spoken to someone, anyone, about your daily emotional state. I know you tried your best to be happy, but I know that stress/emotions can really take a toll on your body. I wonder if your body and mind just got tired of fighting. I think of that. How much time you never wanted to waste fighting anyone about anything. I know you didn’t enjoy it. I know I didn’t. I know I don’t. It’s such a fucking waste of time and life. I prefer to even stay away from people who their prime goal in life seems to get me fired up. I don’t even wanna go back and forth any more. Rather just stay away, at peace. I know you’re all around us. I can’t imagine how you would be acting during all this craziness. I imagine you would be trying to practice social distancing and happily failing at it. Such a weird time. Please send me some good vibes. When I had my sensor removed yesterday, I closed my eyes and thought of you. I thought about looking at you. I often do that when I miss you. Just staring at you saying nothing; which is not how you were with any of us. I think of a time when we could’ve enjoyed the quiet. I remember so many beach days of the past. That one summer you got the Bitty and I came down many times and we sit on the beach, speechless, just enjoying the beach and the ocean. Such simplicity and beauty. I am happy we had that. I remember that one weekend we got cheesesteaks from that place and just sat on the picnic table eating them. It was so simple, so cheap, so good, such a nice time. A time I wish could just stay still. I realize my own mortality more now than I ever did; sometimes I don’t care about it, sometimes I worry about it. I guess we are all entitled to our thoughts. Bobby