The Deep End

You would be calling all of us telling us to stay home or just come over and hang out and have some dinner and hunker down during all this nonsense. I think about how many times you knew one of us was doing something risky or somewhere else besides Delco. It's been a weird week to say the least. Everyone panicked about this Corona virus. I can hear you saying to make sure I have some hand sanitizer, but that it would make my hands "razy". I can also see you laughing at the hysteria of people scouring the supermarkets for doomsday supplies. We definitely are at the point that staying home is good if you don't need to go out. I kick myself for not coming to the house more in the last 10 years. I realize I came over after I got back from my trips with a magnet for you. I remember the last ones to Detroit and Pensacola and Chicago. I always thought you would've gotten a kick out of traveling, but never on all those planes. It's weird not hearing from you. It was such a habit that we all got used to and there is definitely a huge void. I don't think it's going to be filled any time soon. I always feel like you're wandering around somewhere, lost, searching, reaching, but I know that's just in my mind. My eye ulcer somehow came back. Man. It hurt. It came right after me and Lam went out on Tuesday. I never have any idea that they're coming, but I guess my contact got infected. Painful. I will never forget that rainy day that I got the first one down the shore rental. I don't know why, but it was only you and I. It was such a hazy and warm day when it happened. You drove me back up here to the eye doctor. Man. That was a brutal day. I finally got finished with the little project I was working on. Nothing crazy. Just something to always remember you by. I was able to get more written at that location, so I can't wait to see how it actually turned out when I go down there. From the picture it looks pretty awesome. I think about how you never held me back from living. I know you wanted a different life for me about 10 years ago, but that hasn't happened yet. I know you enjoyed my trips and travels, but I know you knew that another life would eventually come. I am thinking you can see what I am thinking about all of that. I know that things change. The change of us all losing you still just feels fresh. Like it was this terrible moment that lasted so very long. I don't like thinking of you in any of those places. Not a one. I told someone recently that you "woke up" December 4th. As I am typing this, that song Swim by Jack's Mannequin came on. I somehow know you're here. "I swim for brighter days despite the abscence of sun. Choking on salt water. I'm not giving in. You gotta swim." I wish I could've seen you open your eyes just once when I was there. Just one time, even to just listen, or see your eyes and know that you saw me. I never got that chance to say good-bye. That's really my only wish aside from wishing you were here with us. I don't really get it. I wish God gave you the strength to fight what happened, but in my mind, maybe you got tired of thinking or worrying or feeling a certain way. I don't know. I don't know why you went the way you did. I know I won't get an answer until it is my time. I guess that's life, maybe our life, questions without answers. No understanding and misunderstanding. On our walk back on Tuesday from Bourbon Blue, Lam and I tried to go into a lady who read palms. I was up for it and we called, but the lady must've been in her house or maybe not about doing it. I wonder if I will ever get good news about where you went. I think maybe that would help me make sense of such a loss. Miss you Mom. Bobby..

PS...I hope you like your stone. You got your little piece of land at the shore. Not the way we ever intended, but you are there forever. You are where you are supposed to be. I hope the sun shines down on you.


Comments

  1. I love the little piece of land at the beach.
    We miss you so much sister.
    It doesn't get easier. Some days it hurts so bad.
    Please keep our kids and grand kids safe. Help them find peace.
    You are forever in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. She loves you. Always remember that. She loved you since you came into her life. Make sure you wash your hands. :- )

    ReplyDelete

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