Giving Thanks

The memory is a great thing…and also a sad thing. It’s Wednesday mom. It’s getting chilly in these parts. I feel like we will get a terrible winter. Remind me to get that ding on my window fixed…my fix is so-so. Anyhow, I was remembering the time I was down at the house on Asbury. You and Pop Pop just enjoying a peaceful and quiet night down there. I remember the light on. The lights from Edgehill sitting on the solid dark wood tables. And the phone rings. I picked it up. You all couldn’t hear the woman on the other side completely speaking Spanish. I could. Not that I was ever any good at Spanish, but I could manage a few words. So I get what she is saying and I replied back to her in Spanish about the fact that she did not call Camden…”Donde telefono? No es Camden…” Something like that. You and Pop Pop looked at me like I had 7 heads. Haaaa. I dismissed it and just said the person had the wrong number, but you guys continued to look at me. As if I was not the person you knew. Ha. I don’t know why that popped into my head this morning. We are getting ready for Thanksgiving. Looking forward the time off. Am I ever. The last few months have been crazy in this “new” role. Still enjoying everything about being back in the gym. Diet, eh, not so much. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I went and saw the boys last night. Acey definitely knows who you are. He’s such a smart little guy. Recently looked at a house. It was nice, just a little too small for me. It gave me a good idea where I may want to live next. They’re building like crazy around Manayunk and things just aren’t going that well. Lots of thefts and even a few house break-ins. I guess that’s what it is in the city though. Just not cool. Trying to take it easy and not overthink things, but you know the deal. Ups and downs. We miss you. 2019 has been a super rough year for so many families. It really does change you as a person. I know it motivates people. I know it tears people apart. I know it takes you to all points in between. I think about the day you lost Pop Pop and how hurt you were. I know that forever left a permanent mark on you and now I look at where we are today. I never could’ve thought things would turn in the span of just 5 years. Five years. Such a small amount of time for so much to happen. I try and put it in perspective with other times in a life that people, big and small, went through so much. I guess in my mind I could say tragedy is tragedy, but when on a bigger scale, it’s just so much. We miss you. I always think I am going to get a call from you. And I see you in front of me when I gaze out of a large window or when the sun is shining through my place. I laughed the other day when I remembered your little shimmy shake when you were about to dance. I miss that. I guess the biggest thing is just not being able to hug or be hugged by you. As I got bigger, I know I became harder to hug. Ha. I know last week I really could’ve used your input, but I guess you would’ve been just as pressed as me to come up with solutions. After a few days of dealing, I just had to shut the phone off and shut the world out and it helped. Sometimes I drift off to somewhere else; somewhere that happiness is endless and the sun is always shining. I figure somewhere that place exists; maybe just in my head; maybe just in my heart. I don’t know. I saw a bunch of Lisa’s Halloween decorations and at first thought they were yours, but they were hers. Me and Acey were downstairs just sitting and playing and he was touching a wreath and saying “pumpkins” and “flowers”. Just some quiet time. I sometimes believe you come and visit them. Maybe because of their true innocence and just them being kids. Time sure is a funny thing. The less you believe you have of it, the more pressed you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you were always running around, going here or there, getting things for all of us or anyone, maybe you knew something we didn’t know. Time, truly is, of the essence, as Meester Kenney would say. My wish this year is the same as the last, I wish I could just have a meal with the two of you. Like the many we had over the years. I wish you didn’t have to worry about getting the car back or having to tend to something. I wish, you just had…..time. I know that my gratefulness will grow as the years pass that we had you for so long. I know that. I know I am still in that limbo phase. So many things like the Notorious ELF sitting on my shelf looking up at me. I remember the day you brought that over. I was in one of my moods. That made me laugh and you sure did get a kick out of it. I shared a few emails with Lisa and Kathy yesterday. I am SO thankful that I really never deleted any of my Yahoo emails and I have a folder with lots of the ones we shared. Mostly just you being my virtual beach real estate agent. I hope you got that shore house you wanted mom. I figure you can get anything up in Heaven. I think of the day I will see you again. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it gives me hope that I will actually see you again. Some days I just wish we spent more time up in Newport eating lobster rolls and drinking blueberry beer. I am looking forward to the downtime. I am looking forward to some quiet times where I can reflect and just block out the noise that seems to come my way sometimes. I get that people are excited to share things, but sometimes I just enjoy the quiet and the white noise of life. I hope you are getting a big spread ready for Joe, Mary, and John. I can only imagine how happy Pop Pop used to get seeing the spread. I can see him rubbing his hungry hands together. I really don’t even know what would have become of all of us had he not been in our lives. I really relish the time I had with him. I am so grateful we lived together after Mom Mom passed away. I feel like that was “our” time. We talked so much. We laughed a lot. He one time laughed so damn hard he couldn’t even talk. I realize that laughing sure is a lot better than crying. I just wish he didn’t have to go through what he went through the last 10 years of his life. He didn’t deserve any of it. Talk to you later. Bobby