They say to not fear death....Untethered Soul

CHAPTER 17

Contemplating death

It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of _ life turns out to be death. No person or situation could ever teach you as much as death has to teach you. While someone could tell you that you are not your body, death shows you. While someone could remind you of the insignificance of the things that you cling to, death takes them all away in a second. While people can teach you that men and women of all races are equal and that there is no difference between the rich and the poor, death instantly makes us all the same.

The question is, are you going to wait until that last moment to let death be your teacher? The mere possibility of death has the power to teach us at any moment. A wise person realizes that at any moment they may breathe out, and the breath may not come back in. It could happen any time, in any place, and your last breath is gone. You have to learn from this. A wise being completely and totally embraces the reality, the inevitability, and the unpredictability of death.

As humans, this perspective, well, it's a breath of fresh air. 

If you're up for the challenge to change and grow your self-love and self-care, this book is amazing for anyone. I have quoted it many times on my blogs. It can help anyone. 

I reached out to Ann and man, it is so great to talk to her...and hear her memories of you. From singing holiday songs, talking about your kids, laughing, dancing.....man....she's so great to talk to. I remember driving you or picking you up from there during those years some times. I think I would drive from Vanguard, but I wasn't sure. You are so missed. It is so great to Just hear Ann say how great you were. It makes me feel so good....to hear how you made so many other feel. That's really what it's about. How you made people feel. I am more open with setting my boundaries now and I am clear as to what doesn't work in my world. I realize not everyone is meant to be on this journey. I saw your car the other day. Well not yours...but your same make model and color. And I had this vision. It made me sad. Enough to breakdown, but I was so transfixed on the car, I didn't. I thought of you just being somewhere.....having a private moment, having a Wawa pretzel, a Pepsi, and listening to "Mikey Miz" and enjoying some fall day in some town in Delco or even those last years you drove over to see Kathy. Her and Colleen.....I can't even express how much they are missed. It is such a gaping hole...of love. I dont really talk about loss much with anyone these days. I really dont want to hear "well many families go through similar things"......we've been through the ringer. I am trying to laugh more. 

I realize none of the past can be changed.....all I have is today and the future. It's not even worth getting angry and it's totally ok to not keep everyone around. Pull the circle tight, keep those who are honest with their hang-ups and shortcomings rather than those who are hiding them. 

I was reminded of that day you were through rocks at my apt window. The one on the side of my old building. I remember lifting up the paper blinds and seeing you and letting you in and just sitting down on the couch. Tired, exhausted, sad. How much you cared.....as I was at my most vulnerable and damaged. I only hoped and prayed that someone was there for you in those times. I thought about that as I replied to Ann. I know that I made you proud. I know we had so many special moments, but then I catch myself asking.....was I there for you? I really tried to be. I have never really told many people of things that happened. I just get sad that they did. I dream of things that we could've done with our lives....and while it's not real, I sometimes stay in that dream. Beach houses, bike rides, trips to Rhode Island, blueberry beer for you and Kitty. I am SO happy we did that trip. Every year that passes....I am so happy we decided to do that trip. I always get a kick that you two were all like "F Jersey" once you saw Newport. I know you had been, but you and Kathy experiencing Newport, the Cliff Walk, the mansions...together....it was just so special for me. It stays in my heart forever. And me driving you Miss Daisies all around!!! I wouldn't have changed anything about that trip. It was a great 3 days. 

I know you, Kathy, Colleen are close by. I always just think of those two. I think of how Kathy, she was so sad when you were gone. I would come home to my apt in Manayunk around 8-9 and call her...and we would just laugh. Her voice echoes through my heart. It is truly hard for me to even believe Colleen is even gone. I keep thinking.....she's on some international trail....walking under the stars with Joe....and biking over the "Marge Lagana Bridge". Joe sent that...and I literally died. I miss you alll. I type this, I know you can see me. I just miss your love and your warmth. You three, you brought so much to our lives. You brought so much....that it can't be replaced. It reminds me of the Mona Lisa. You cannot replace the Mona Lisa. You just stare for the pure beauty and simplicity of a painting a woman....you never know. 

The sadness Joe has to endure....with all three of you being gone....it's a sadness I cannot fathom or comprehend. I have no answers or resolve to it. I hope, in some other space and time, God answers his questions. I have no answers to this level of pain.....and the sadness is the peak of a mountain that I want to climb down. 

As I told Ann. I just wish you were here. To talk to. To hug. To give my cheek kiss. To smile. To laugh. To just be the special person you were....to so many....I think really...I miss my friend. I miss the person you were during all those years. During the ups and downs. I know we will meet again....I just hate that I have to wait so long. I really wish, in some weird way, when Pop Pop passed......we were warned....we were told....Listen Patti, you only have 4 more years in this life. You have to just spend time with everyone you love. Every waking moment. That you stopped working. That you spent time with all of us, the kids, your friends. That you had a chance to just exhale. I hate that God gave no warning. When Colleen passed, I screamed "No, No, No". And a ton of curse words. I just dont get it. I can't make sense of any of it. I just miss all of you. It is not hard to explain. If someone wants to say every family loses people, great, I don't live with their family. I am with my family. I also think of the cruise you were supposed to go on that me and Lam went on with Joe, Colleen, Kathy, Tom, etc. I'm like....I feel like that happened yesterday. Things were so good. I was with people I loved and then boom.....boom....boom....boom. 

If anything, I hope you and Kathy are with Pop Pop and Mom Mom and John. I know you all missed them. I hope Colleen is with her dad and her son. I want that for all of you, but I cannot tell you how painful it is to not have you here. You are so so so missed. All of you. The last time I saw Colleen, I gave her the biggest hug. At Bia's party. I had planned to see her and Joe before they left. I thought nothing of them traveling and said I will see you when you get back. Those messages were the last time we spoke.