Picked my phone up at 4:44am. I’m gonna have to look that number up now. Part of me wishes technology wasn’t so accessible but then where would I have to create. I keep thinking about how hard you fought for Pop Pop to get better after his fall. How much we fought for you after your incident. How much Kathy fought to survive. That cycle that ended….but a fight nonetheless. It confuses me. It is sad to have witnessed it 3 times in what seems like such a short amount of time in life. 

4:44...As mentioned above, the most-cited meaning of the 444 is that you are being guided by angels. In that reading, the number 444 is a sign from heaven to let you know that there are angels around you, watching over you, guiding your path, and protecting you. The angel number 444 has shown up for many people around the world, often at 4:44 in the morning.


I was in the Target near where I live, where Bia lives. I imagine you coming to see us and just walking around enjoying our little "Rosetree Estates". It's pretty peaceful and everyone is pretty friendly. Mostly older. I dont mind it at all. I wish you could see both of our places. I know you would pull the old, "give me a few bucks and I'll have this place looking like The Hamptons!" It's hard to know you'll never see any of this. Anyhow. I was in Target. I don't even know if that Target was there when you were living here. I feel bad that I didn't really come into Delco and just drive around with you to some of the spots you ran around to. I know it sounds stupid. I think part of me stayed here, like a part of me stayed in the city. I wish you had just said, "you should see if there is any places in Delco you'd like to live..."  I think about that. I think about time that passed so fast. In the blink of any eye. Anyhow, if I keep diverting I will never get this done. I was in Target and that's connected to Springfield Mall. The times I've been there, I never really go into the mall. Just don't have to. I walked in around Christmas after getting what I needed at Target. I got this deja vu feeling. With it being the holidays, walking into the mall with you...cause I was "older" now and no longer believed in Santa. We'd drive there and go into the Mall. And it was always the same things..."I just need to get a few things...." This time I believe you had some things on lay-a-way. I feel like we walked into Macy's (still there) to pick up something for one of the girls. The mall abuzz with energy, shoppers, those holiday smells and that warmth you feel, the safety we felt back in those days. People just milling along. Doing things for others...well I want to believe. I remember that wrapping station towards the Macy's entrance where you could get your gifts wrapped. Those people had like miles of wrapping paper on that metal rod. I can remember scents of Christmas treats, warm pretzels, caramel corn, and other things that just floated in the air at Springfield mall. I remember how many times we would walk past Friendly's, but never eat there. haha. I don't even know if it's there today. I remember seeing Kay Bee Toy Store. Think it was called KB with the sign in front. I remember begging to go in there....while you ran errands in the store...or went to store across from it. I would just go in there and look at the toys I knew I wasn't really going to get, but it was cool to look at them. It was always just enjoyable. Just something to do. You'd come back around looking for me, tell me it was time to go, and we'd drive back to 988. I miss those trips with you. I miss those times of warmth. 

We got some snow. Definitely nowhere near the "storm" they kept saying we'd get. It always seems like the news wants to make things sound so much crazier than they end up being. So many times I wanted to call you. Many times I've almost called Kathy. There is no solace in believing you're better off that you're there together. That's just not how I can think. You both should be here...with us...to see the beautiful snow....from the warmth of our homes....our hearts...our life. 



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