Christmas Lights

Ok. Dad did a great job. We all had full bellies. We blew out two cakes. I went into my old room, now your room. I told you I missed you, I touched your box of ashes. I reflected for seconds. I looked at the shells on the bed spread. I thought about the beach. I thought about your hugs. Laughs. I was visiting Malin, Beth, Aunt Bootsie…turned out to be a great time with Kathy and all the Fehrle girls getting all of Mal’s old dolls. I left, sun down, passing the Erin. The last place I was physically with you. This is super hard to type without crying…so I am crying. I slowly drove in, then I replayed that day. We walked out from a great meal. You went to your car and got the bag from Rally House. Tissue paper exploding. Always same comment. “It’s just a little something….” I was so happy to get that Sixers shirt and Eagles hoody. Perfect. The type of hug I gave you that day. I could’ve cracked your spine. I picked you up off that ground as if, as if, as if…..it was….our last hug. From mother to a son. A friend to a friend. A teacher to a student. Oh do I wish God would’ve given me a special hint. Something. I would’ve given up anything for just one hint that it was the last time. And in a parking lot of the Erin. Norwood. Not too far from where it all began. I wish there was just some way I knew…it was our last meeting. I would’ve stopped. I really would’ve just stopped. I drove through, then got back on the road to home. Back to tonight. Everything was really nice. I came late. I saw Aggie. Gave her the cheek kiss, but then that mom/son embrace…that, you are my childhood mother along with several others. I could feel that. I just shared some quick stories. It all went so quick. We talked. We laughed. I left and then caught up with Dave a little bit. Typical stuff. Aaron, Lisa, Lam, Chrissy, Bia…really did a great job on the tree. I just couldn’t do it. I was in a daze. Lisa would show me things, things from our past Xmas’s and I couldn’t really just get into it. It was hard. Dad did a great job with everything. I know it was hard to even do that, but he did a great job. We were there. Having fun. I had a number of times of déjà vu. Of you coming out of the kitchen,..towel in hand, laughing, being jovial, asking someone what else they wanted…what else YOU could do for them….I could really feel your being there. I just wanted you there. Not even for me. For the girls, the kids, Dad. In some aspects I would let them have you back and me somewhere else. We just miss you. Bia texted me on the way home and we talked. It is hard for me cause I don’t have any superpowers. I can’t do anything to remove this pain. I wish I saw signs. I wish I maybe was more proactive. Maybe I wish we just stood in that parking lot for the rest of our lives…and the girls and the kids and Dad joined us. Yup. I can say that would be pretty much perfect. I have more to write, but I am emotionally spent. Like I said to Beth, I am angry. I am not angry at God. I think I am angry that you didn’t get that chance to really go the distance in this life. Maybe you did and I don’t get it. Maybe, like Beth and I said, I just want this great person back in my life. Maybe I just want things to be great like they were before. Maybe I want 1990 back. I don’t know. I guess that can make me less than an adult. I don’t really care. Maybe I should be really fortunate that I had a “going away party” with you for my last birthday. I guess I will keep writing. Maybe I will figure out how I am supposed to feel. Maybe I will run down the aisles at the Super Fresh on Island Rd and look for the short woman with the green Super Fresh hat that was my mom…and be so happy and ask if I can dip my fingers in the pickle barrel. Maybe that was the best time of my life. Maybe…

 PS..If you think the tree is "off" or "basic" or whatever, Bia and I were not involved at all. :)


 

 

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