I remember

I keep remembering back to our train ride up to RI. It was such a nice time. It all went by so quick and it makes me sad to realize that. Not that I didn't enjoy the heck out of all our trips...I just wish we did so many more. I wish we had less stress in our lives. I wish we could've just enjoyed our free time more without drama or stress or worrying about money. Always about the money. I think about how much time we spent together, alone, as a family, etc. I stop those moments in my head. Those moments have no death in them. Those moments live on forever. Those moments don't go to an ICU. Those moments don't go to a nursing home. Those moments don't end up in a funeral home. Those moments....are us....our family...living on forever. Maybe that is Heaven. Living with those you love forever. I get sad thinking how long it will be before I will see you again. It makes me cry. I don't mind being vulnerable. I just get sad thinking of you in any pain. In a weird way I am happy you didn't have to mentally endure what your body went through the last 6 months of your life. I miss your calls so much. Even when someone calls me...it's just not the same. It's not your bubbly voice, your joy, your laughter, YOU. Life has just not been the same since that fateful August. As much as I ignore it, I would be a liar. I sit here, in my apartment, I may hear a horn beep, like you would beep coming or going. Things are changing so rapidly around me.....not that I am not changing...just physically things are. The solitude can both be a blessing and a punishment. I ache for the boys and Lucy. Ace and Lucy who may really never ever know you....only virtually. That is a pain I can't remove. I also can't remove my own pain. I do look for the love and beauty in situations. As you always did. I wonder what you would be up to on a cold January day. I know...Just going about your daily day. Enjoying a coffee. A cigarette. A Peps. A pretzel. Some "Chinee" food (2.00 for extra shrimp), a phone call, a quick chat with Nancy or Aggie or Mr. Zinser. I realize now that the best years of your life were probably when we were all there. Under that one roof. For all that I have experienced in this life....I would give half of my heart to have one more dinner, a hug from you, just some peace and quiet with you. Watching the water from the ocean roll in. I wish we grew up closer to the water. I think that would've been a great buffer to our troubles. I mean, even if you're broke, the ocean is still there for you. I wrote this a while back, but been super busy with this school program. 

I miss you Mom. I miss you so very much. Tears. I hope you know we all miss you so very much. I do know....that down the road....I will be able to see you again. I will never stop being your son....and all the money in the world couldn't make me happier than being that for you. 

The sun is shining. I know you're close. 

I woke up to hearing mom’s voice like she was right near me. We were on a train. We had two rows and she said she was going to take a nap cause she was tired. I showed her about putting the arm rest up. And she goes to lay down and then I can hear her talking and then the train stops and a young couple come on and they have a baby and are in front of us. And mom is putting her head down and she’s going to sleep saying “just remember about these times and this trip and spending time together...” and then I just woke up. 



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