Sometimes ya gotta say f*** it Pat

I get pissed off that you literally could’ve spent 1 hour in a doctor’s office in the last 10-20 years and possibly had this all caught and been able to be proactive in taking care of it. What we have gone through since August 2018 actually could’ve been avoided. Yes, it does happen out of nowhere to many people. Also Yes, you definitely could’ve been seen by a doctor, been taken to the doctors, by “chance” hit your head and been seen by the ER. I was telling Bia that when I had my scan, it wasn’t even really necessary but done as a precaution. If anything we know now, we know that hospitals will run any tests under the sun. But one test could’ve been done proactively, at cost, covered, etc. and probably saved your life or at least given you a chance. It’s complete fucking bullshit. It’s a cop out. It’s an excuse. We have MRI facilities in every fucking hospital and even some standalone shops every 5-10 miles. Saying, “Mom didn’t like doctors or hospitals…” is a fucking excuse. I know you would’ve gone if you knew something was wrong or felt like you weren’t yourself. It kills me to think you kept it inside, didn’t want to bother anyone, didn’t want to “make a big deal” about it, didn’t want to put your issues over someone else’s, didn’t think you were important, or well, you were scared, but fuck, what is worse….? Going to the fucking doctors alive or being in the fucking morgue dead????? It’s so fucking backwards it’s funny, but what has happened to our family, you, us, is not funny at all. Not a joke, not some small, insignificant occurrence. I thought of Mr. Donnelly, Miss Hartey, other parents….if you get to them before this diagnosis, do they have a chance? I see so many stories of people who got a 2^nd chance, like tons of them. I think about myself and if I didn’t take insulin, didn’t test, didn’t have concerns about what my body was saying to me, I would be dead in a week or so. I think about the signs we didn’t see or didn’t make a big to-do about. As time passes, more seem to pop up. I wonder if anyone else realized that your brain was under pressure, may have had the bleed occurring slowly, building up in those vessels, pushing on the regions of your brain that control things, like emotions. But now another thing popped into my head. It was like an emotional outburst in winter of 2017. I picked you up to go to breakfast one day.....I was in wawa but the first atm I tried didn’t work. So I went to the next one. When I got back in the car, you were hysterical. You were dabbing your makeup and tears around your eyes and saying. “I was so worried something happened to you from your diabetes.” I knew you were worried but the episode was just so over the top that when I look back, it wasn’t rational or understandable considering you were only 10 feet from the store entrance and really nothing out of the ordinary happened. It wasn’t even like you to be so emotional for no “factual” occurrence. I wonder sometimes if your brain was just under that pressure at that time and making you say and do weird things. I wonder if it happened times before. I would have to say it probably did. I wish that god damn doctor would’ve lived up to his words that they were going to save your life, but you would have a long road to recovery. Failed on both attempts. Tragic. Never saw that asshat again. I think at this point if a doctor says he can save my life, I might want to look at his “success” stories before proceeding. I know time was something that was not on our side. I think we need to head in a different direction with things. I think about you being in that big room with all those “important” medical people telling us that you’re not going to make it. I think about you hearing that about one of us, someone close to you and instead of us just sitting there like “oh woe is me”, we explode and say, “well, what part of this procedure did you completely fuck up or under/overestimate?” I laugh cause that’s the job they chose to go into, no one forced them and well, you were the customer. We were the customers. To this date there isn’t news article or rating about that Dr. Stidd. Not a god damn one. I really wish we went with someone with 25 years of experience rather than someone with 4-5 years of experience. Dude failed. Plain and simple. Then kept fucking bothering us about what we wanted to do with you. Most times at night so no one would give him a hard time and stick up for you. Total bitch. Our hopes were so high when he came out, I felt like you had a chance, I felt like you would probably take years of rehab, but you’d make it……a big nope to that. I read the medical reports. I read the failed first attempt. I wonder how much time that wasted. I wonder how much time was wasted in prep or getting the team in place. I wonder how many places and doctors would’ve done better…or I could just sit and be a wimp and say, “oh well, that’s our luck…we have bad luck…that’s life….oh well….her life is over….” I am so happy you proved all of them wrong. They were off about 180 days and you DID open your eyes again for Lisa. I think maybe cause she needed to be the last person you saw on the way out aside from your sister. Rightfully so. Both could gladly have my seat in your movie. I got my goodbye. We’ll make peace with all this at some point Mom. I assure you we will. I don’t have any apologies any more. I don’t feel the need to be quiet. I don’t care what anyone thinks about what we’re saying. You could’ve made it. There are tons of people with bigger annies, brain bleeds, brain bleeds over 10 fucking days that survive. They attribute their life to two people every…single…time. God/Faith and their doctor. It’s the same theme every time. I really miss you. People want to say that people die every day, and they do, but just like on the flip side, things happen to people and families every single day, but they are not my family and they are not my mom, so that’s not really about me. I don’t know them or their families. And someone probably say, “but be gracious, be grateful, be kind, blah blah blah….” I would rather you be alive and then I will be grateful. Bobby