I hope you're at peace....at the sea

I was in an uber the other day. Heading down to meet Jason at a concert. It was hot and he didn’t turn the AC on. I just about zonked out cause of the heat and the monotony of the ride. I remember taking that same route so many times to go to DC for “work”. I think about all the time I spent down there which inevitably was a waste of my time for the most part. Aside from meeting a few good people, not the best use of time. I remember that I would typically get a text from you either before I left or when I woke up in DC hours later. Always have a safe trip. Call me later. Always caring about me getting there safely. This past weekend was full of a lot of emotions. We passed you on to the sea. While I know it only has part of you, I truly know you are with God….and are one of his busiest angels. It has been somewhat fallish here with the temps in the 70’s and even 60’s. It’s relaxing. Windows open. I can imagine you, as you did so many falls, cracking the windows open to give the house a nice, deep clean. That house never once smelled. We were so lucky to have someone that maintained such a clean house. I think it’s important to try and do that. We all said something on the boat last Saturday. I thanked your sister and Colleen for being there. It was tough to get through because I can’t really imagine you being gone forever, but you are and obviously irreplaceable. I said to Beth that you are missing out on so many things and so many people that you loved and loved you. Malin’s graduation and her going off to the Navy. The Navy!!!! You definitely would’ve comforted Beth in this time of Malin being away. I can’t even imagine how much fun you would’ve had with Lisa and the kids at the rental and maybe me at Brigantine and the food trucks and we were probably due for a trip to Newport….alas it was not to be. I dream many times that I am there. Especially after I see a beautiful picture from one of the IG accounts I follow. I imagine you in all the places that brought you beauty, love and support. I imagine that is what Heaven is….we get to be where our heart is filled the most with love. I haven’t been back to the house really at all this year. I will leave those memories there. I want to remember so many great memories we made in other places. I haven’t really been able to stay down the shore overnight. I am still working on that. Everyone, for the most part, are healthy. We had dinner at Clancy’s by the Bay before we got on the boat. That thing was rocking like crazy on our way out. We definitely saw some signs. A seagull, the orb, the beautiful sunset. It was a nice day. Hopefully we can do it every year and expand the invite list. It’s a nice day and quite simple to really make happen. Chrissy put out the money for it and I am thankful to her for doing it. Some laughs, some tears, and all things in between. Lam said she had regretted not spending as much time with you as she could have. I have dealt with that guilt myself, but then, in retrospect, I realize there are kids that leave at 18-22 and don’t return home unless someone dies. Or they are just different than their parents and have no desire to cultivate a relationship. I said to Lam, “remember that trip to DC you guys made to see me…that was three whole days…72 hours….you break that out and that’s like 72 lunches or dinners….” That’s the only way I can really know that we loved being around you. So much energy and positivity to be around anyone. Just loving being around people. That’s probably why you liked the deli/bakery/supermarket gig, there was always someone to vibe off of. Either customers or your fellow employees. I would give a million dollars to hear you say, “How are youuuuuu?” or call Nicole “baby girl”….such small things that were so YOU. My windows are open today. This week was much harder than I expected. I just didn’t get much accomplished and by that I mean personal stuff not work. Work isn’t really at all fulfilling and just going through the motions. Then again, think that’s what most are doing during the summer. I felt like you were sending me some good vibes though cause I have been getting a lot of love on the career front, but you know the deal. Ha. The other day I went up to see Ace and Kane. You would be so happy to see how much they’ve grown in just the year. When I showed Ace a picture of you holding him, he said, “that’s my grandmom…” I almost fell out of my seat cause he said it so clear and without any prodding. I would’ve said, “that’s Nonna….” He said grandmom. I couldn’t believe it. I am SO ready for some good changes. The fortune cookie was a good sign. There have been some good changes. Still looking at houses. I feel like you. You’d probably be sending me a house an hour. Well, into my 8 hours at the fun factory. One thing I do regret is spending time focused on things at work. I realize that these things, while relevant in the moment, become absolutely irrelevant like a month later. And by irrelevant I mean they don’t even matter. I know you always wanted me to do something I loved doing….and I will get there. Just gotta save a few more pennies. We miss you Mom.

I said this to Nancy Franks the other day…who, by the way, has been nothing short of amazing during the whole time. Always telling me how much she loved you and the kids. She misses seeing you come up the alley and waving. I can’t even imagine how many times she may replay that and it’s only now a memory. I often times have a vision of you two hamming it up in the alley and laughing and joking and I show up and she’s always so funny, “look at this handsome boy…Bobby Malin….” I can hear it in my head 1,000 times over. A heart of gold. In tragedy we have bonded and I am grateful for that. I said to Nancy, “And we may not have her “here” in the future, but we know we always had her here in the past…and that gives us guidance and love for the rest of our days….”

Miss you Mom. I hope wherever you are, you realize we miss you so much, but that you are dancing and filled with love and joy over all the good you left down here.



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