PattybytheSea

Been a while Mom. Just things flying, life, ups and downs. We miss you as usual. As we do Kathy, Mom Mom, Pop Pop and John. Dad recently paid to get the VHS tapes transferred over. A treasure trove of memories. Before I even had a chance to watch them myself (I was in a rush with so much stuff last week), people were telling me how much they loved them....and showed me so many things I had long since forgotten....well weren't forgotten more so at the back of my mind.  At Bia's 40th at Townhouse, which was an amazing turnout of friends/family/co-workers/college friends; we truly had a blast. Of course people were missing, but we carried on. A few of the cousins, Dana, Marissa, had shown me snippets of the videos. Pictures of things I really just didn't remember. So that night and following days I watched the videos.  First, it was just so great to see all of you alive, so much energy, so much lust for life. Christmas Eve at Mom Mom's, such a special time for all of us. I...

That night...of my birthday. Such a nice time. At the Erin. I really never told many people about it. We had such a nice dinner. I think we both had like surf & turf meals. Think I had the steak and a crab cake and a beer. I know I have a picture of it somewhere. I can remember it so vividly coming out to your car. You were just like "I got you a little something...." A hoodie and a Sixers shirt. I wore the hoody for this years Super Bowl Parade. I wore it proudly. I gave you a big hug and we parted ways. I really didn't think much of the next few hours. I got home to my apt in Manayunk. I called you to make sure you were ok. Vividly, on the phone, you said, "there's no one here...you should've just packed a bag and stayed here.....there's no one here." I really just didn't focus on it much at the time. After the fact, I felt so bad. I wondered how alone you were. I wondered why I hadn't just gone to the house with you, I wondered why why...

We've been talking about you so much lately. I bet your ears are ringing. From pics to "mommy or your mother would do this....", it's been a lot about you. I wish I could tell you how much you're missed. I wish I could wish you back into our lives.....to see Kane growing up, Ace's awesomeness and go to see Taylor Swift impersonator with Lucy. It's crazy....I no longer think about what I am missing out on with you being gone, I miss what they're missing (tears). I miss you being their buddy. I totally saw you next to Lucy at the show Bia was at tonight....laughing....dancing.....a "girl's night". Of course it's super positive, but something missing. I talked with Sibb last night about a lot of stuff we grew up with. Just lessons learned and how we are today and why. I just don't really get how people can go through so much loss, so much hurt and not change for the better...or at least realize what they're doing wrong that hurts...

There isn't much I am going to write right now. I think it's just cause I miss you so very much. I wish you could come and tell us everything will be alright. Even if it wasn't true. I sent Chrissy a bunch of your emails about houses down the shore. I should've jsut grabbed one. I thought we had forever I guess. It just made me so sad reading your emails....about what you wanted to do....how excited you were to have a place down the shore. Even the smallest of places. It didn't matter. I said to someone working at Captain Chuckie's the other day, how much you loved New England. How much Kathy loved RI. I get so sad when I rememeber those times. We had one trip all together. I guess I just miss your overall happiness. I can't solve everyone's problems, I just dont have that power. I just see your emails and laugh. I remember simpler times. I remember how good you were. I get sad. I wish just once I could talk to you before you left us. I think that hurts ...

Hi Mom, Well here we are, another fall, somewhere across the universe, you and Kathy are probably decorating some huge window scape with rubber leaves and tree branches and pumpkins. haha. Oh how you loved this time of year. I get it more as I get older. A time to reset. Start over. Summer is done and new school years are starting for all the kids. Poor Acey and his bus fiasco may have had you driving around looking for him or laughing about me walking home from St. Gabe's. Thankfully, he was ok. I am grateful for lots of things....I try to just be grateful, while being somewhat realistic. I am somewhat over texts and social media; they just aren't the real thing. I think I appreciate how you were that much more, but at 47, sometimes exhausted by the intersection of happiness, accountability and empathy. Feeling that worrying so much about so much, well, that's not my job. It becomes exhausting. I som. etimes think, were people worried about us during our times of struggle....

I was driving all the godforsaken backroads of Jersey to get to N Wildwood to see the Fehrle clan. I got caught up in some crazy traffic for most of the trip. At one point I came down into the furthest part of Upper Twp. A small little inlet popped up. It had a little dock a few little boats. Like very small. About the size little bigger than a JetSki. I was remisce to not think away my anger and how many trips you and Pop Pop and Kathy made down to The Can or The Biscuit or Asbury or the Itty Bitty. I was so angry cause I knew I wouldn't get to the shore to have much time and then come back. I saw some things as I got through Upper Twp that just told me to calm down and laugh a little. A tree adorned with crab trap floaters stuck out to me. Then a bunch of crab traps near a catarmaran. I passed over a bridge over the little inlet. Part of me just thought...such a peaceful existence. Part of me always gets sad as I think how much you loved the shore and wanted us to enjoy it as muc...

 As I am sitting here on such a beautiful early June day, I am still getting over a nasty virus. I always would remember how closely you would listen to us tell you about our ailments and if it was a cold, bug, etc, the same would always be said first...."well, there's definitely something going around....(insert local friend's or friend's kid's or grandmother or aunt name) got it bad....." I would have to say this one was as bad as 2009 one, really last time I felt like this. In any case, over the course of the last two weeks, a certain peace settled in to not having to worry about anything, anyone other than us, getting better and just relaxing. I laugh at the thought folks just think life is supposed to be about 40 hours of some job, sleeping, eating. There is just so much more. I was also happy to not have to talk about work with anyone the last 2 weeks. I really don't care. Really, in your 40's, I almost think no one cares what you do as long as y...

   

Mom, your special day is tomorrow. You were always surprised by anything we did for you. I laughed and got emotional a few times this week as tomorrow drew closer. At one point I was getting out of the shower and just turned the light off to sit there and remembered how many times you literally just tossed all the girls in the tub for one team bath. Saving the environment. hahahahhaa. I would just laugh at how much simple joy you got out of just doing simple stuff like that, laughing at everyone running around. While I dont remember it, the "baths" you gave me down at Nanny's on Saybrook. I stop and ask myself. Man. You were such a new mom and washing your newborn son in the sink at Nanny's and just laughing. I wish that I could've seen film of such an event. Especially knowning how much Nanny loved you and me and just those simple, free moments. The days that pass without you are never easy. I truly have sadness over other people who have since lost their mothers...