PattybytheSea

In some alternate reality, I am just sitting here with my windows open as the city quiets down and folks on the beast coast enjoy a nice fall night. Someone has a fire pit going in the town and the smoke seems to travel well here. I am pulled back to The Can, to The Biscuit. The smell of dried burning leaves and the world quieting down. Now, maybe more than ever, I know that peace and happiness are so much more valuable than debates and criticism. Somewhere we got caught in the blur of life. I blame technology. Ha. I think about what you would be doing. A relaxing Sunday of visits, a pot of gravy with some ravs, maybe a roast and some veggies. A call to ask me if I want to stop by for dinner. How I thought those invites would never end. How I value your cooked meals filling my belly with nutrients and love and the simple fact you just liked having us over, just liked company. Just liked people. I think about you taking your boxes of fall and Halloween stuff out. I can imagine those tin...

I saw a story about a chef, 49, who died from a brain aneurysm. She had no idea. She had texted family she was feeling great.  Chicago Mourns Death of Adored Goddess & Grocer Executive Chef I read a quote from another story about her and immediately thought of you. “I’m incredibly sad and missing her, and I always have those memories,” Pinkney said, reminiscing about when Dedinsky first walked into her restaurant years ago. “But I know she was happy until the end, because she didn’t know that was the end. She died at her happiest.”  I am so happy your last memories are of the beach, your sister, your kids, your grandkids. I am happy to know that those thoughts, are your last...stamped in time...forever on your soul.  I have more to write, but I have to step away. You are so so so sooooooooooo missed. After typing that I just said, "Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo big." God. I never will forget you saying that to so many babies.  Always in my heart Mom. There forever....

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky. Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving. For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living. And all the gathered riches of our journey, The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layering of intimacy stored, The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring, The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking, These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble, Nor are they stone, For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand. What we were, we are. What we had, we have. A conjoined past imperishably present. So when you walk the woods where once we walked together And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow, Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land, And spotting ...

I will always remember that day we were sitting in that rental you all got that summer. I remember how muggy it was. I remember coming down there and it was just you and I. I remember we were just relaxing. I went and saw a friend that night. Kind of weird cause it was not planned. I remember I really had a good day and we were all in a good mood. You made me a nice little breakfast. That day was big for me and we got a chance to talk and just be happy..and then we went and had dinner at that Italian place. I don't remember it. I remember just being so elated that I couldn't even really remember walking. I remember getting a buffalo chicken wrap. You had some pasta. Of course it was too much for you. I remember the table we sat at. Families enjoying time and meals and just perfect. I remember just walking around OC after and just kinda floating. Content with the day and with dinner and hanging out. I remember calling Kathy and we were probably so loud and excited and crazy and ...

Out of nowhere a co-worker and friend, Melissa, yesterday asked me if I ever had a BLT with sweet corn. She's from Iowa and I don't know what goes on in Iowa. Ha. Very sweet person. Anyhow, she asked me if I ever had that and I am like, "yes, but not with corn on it..." She replied, "you don't put the corn on it..." and I immediately laughed. One thinking of some corn on the cob on some sandwich and just thinking of corn on a sandwich (yuck). In any case, she said I need to try it some time. It reminded me of those days I would stay home from school growing up. Watch the typical shows. Transformer and Tom & Jerry cartoons. Then probably Silver Spoons or What's Happening and you would make me a BLT. They were soooooooooo good. I could go for two these days. Any how, I can remember them so vividly. As the girls were running around destroying the house, the "prince" got to sit on the couch and enjoy his sandwich and TV. Those days it was j...

I can only imagine this is where you are. I saw this tonight during class. I had to take a still. I imagine this is truly where you are. It was beautiful here earlier. Today was really busy with work and now with class, but I take my peeks. This sunset and the water...just perfect. I imagine you walking this beach as the sunsets. Maybe a good beer and a good meal at the Brick Alley and a good meal. Oh what we wouldn't give to have that time we all had that weekend. I wish I went up that time you and Lisa and the boys went up. I don't know why I didn't. I think I had something else going on or just wanted it to be you and Lisa's time up there. I know you're around. Send us some love. Bobby

That title is actually from Pop Pop. He couldn't speak in his bed and he would mouth the word two and do the signal for two and that meant "I will have two beers and we'll go fishing..." Well, two years. How quickly life has passed. It seems like a blur. Today is definitely not a day of celebration. I hope that at some point the memory of this day is replaced with the memory of something so much better or that I just outright forget what happened on this day. It almost seems like I’ve been punked in the worst way possible. It’s sad to see others lose parents. It’s sad to see them struggle so much with this loss. Even perfect strangers I have come across or friends from the past who just write me and say, “I really miss my mom today…” And from that I will say, that’s completely normal. It’s still hard to explain to people that have their mother around. For some it was the father that was the rock of their family and they lose him; as a friend’s wife and a guy I went to...

Mom is definitely looking out for me. Some crazy shit is happening in my dreams. I must of overshot my insulin overnight and I had a low of like 69. Woke up eating sugar to get it back. My dreams were all over the place. Lots of friends in them. Doing all types of stuff around the area. In one dream, I was being told a message of a player who played for the UCLA bruins who has diabetes. I don’t even know the name of one current college baseball player. I just woke up and I immediately google UCLA baseball player with diabetes and I come up with this. I legit just shook my head and laughed. I can't even make sense of it. I sure as hell don't follow Bruins baseball. Life is crazy.