PattybytheSea

Saw two good signs today driving up to get my lunch. It’s been a weird day. Just kind of whatever. The past weekend was truly just overwhelming. A viewing on Friday and a family hurting. A person I crossed paths with passing away Friday night. Then friend of a friend died Sunday. All just making me realize that there is no going around tragedy; you just have to walk right through it. More and more I feel just we continue to climb up this mountain called life. One of my favorite Judah and The Lion songs came on and I was singing at the top of my lungs as it blasted. It makes me feel good to play music and sing again. I was pulling into a parking spot and drove past a tow truck. I had seen tow trucks lots of times. This one had the hook just flat vertical on the back. It was just the same height and dimension as a cross. Part of me was like I have never seen a tow truck like that. As I came out of the second store, I passed a car with a vanity plate that read LUV – HER. I got into my...

We spent the entire day moving and fixing that shed. There was so much stuff in it. We had a good time doing it. He couldn’t hold on to the plywood drifting and it was funny. We drove down Route 9 and he laughed the entire time down there. We talked about Ernie. We drove. We laughed. We got to Seaville and then unloaded and got to work. I literally picked that empty shed up and just moved it to the other side. He laughed. I laughed. I can’t believe that is over. I would do it again 100 times for that time back. It’s hard to think this was the last time we would work together. It’s a private moment in this picture. A man pondering life, work, family. I see him and I see love. I see pain. I see perseverance. I see love. I see a life well lived. I see a happy and content man.

Lights off. Gray day. Snow. Traffic passing by outside. This day, although not sunny at all, reminds me of you. I envision you heading out early. Gotta get your shit done before “this big storm hits”. Haha. Any snow or rain to you was like the second coming of Christ on Earth. I know you woulda been on my ass about going out last night. I can laugh at that side of life now. The American drinking hole. Where politics, commerce, family, dysfunction, sports, race and creed are talked about. Then again no one wants to talk about politics for fun. Haha. I think I’ve started to forgive myself for any time spent away. As many say, you have to live your life. So back to you. I imagine you calling me, “shooting the shit”, telling me to just hunker down and make myself a nice good hearty meal and stay cozzyyyyyy. And you telling me you’re gonna order     Chinese 2.00 for extra shrimp and watch some tv on the couch. I think about you on that couch. Resting your weary feet, your tired ha...

I just saw this and wanted to edit it to apply to you, us. Today I am left again asking why....why her? why them? why now? why not 20 years down the road? why...why...why. They, like us, deserved more time with their hero, their role model, their sounding board, their hugger, their rock...I am the only one who can probably answer my own questions when there is no one around. Pain is never something I want to get used to. It chips away from the inside out. Not sure what to do. Looking forward to the falling snow tomorrow. Maybe a trip up the road. Some day I hope to get here....not today.  “Instead I reflect on how lucky I am to call you my mom. The tears never go away, but they change…from that of mourning to that of grace. We only hope to make you proud.”

This made me feel good. I had wondered how to get it done and it literally took 5 mins. So now, whenever I move on down the road, they'll get some money to help figure out how to stop these terrible conditions that literally kill people. I think of all the wealthy out there, how so many deal with so many things they can't control, I would want to donate so much. So I can just leave these organizations in here and it will be covered.

I talked to Kathy about the regret of missed time, missed opportunities to spend time together. I think that has to be tough for everyone. The times we spent doing frivolous bullshit. Spending time here, there and everywhere. I want to just chalk it up to “living your life” and I also know that for the simple fact that a few of us lived within a quick ride to you, made us seeing each other a lot easier, but life does get in the way. I think it got in the way too much sometimes. I want to believe we had a very close relationship with you. I want to believe we went above and beyond for you; at all times, not just when you got sick. I want to believe that. I want to believe we were there for you to confide in. Maybe even more than we ever really imagined we had to be. I want to believe that you knew you could come to us when you were sad. I want to believe when you left us, you had heard all the times we said we loved you, said we missed you, held your hand, kissed your forehead. I do...

I have had one of those days when I didn’t get a chance to come up for air. I was thinking back to what Pralle told me his mom said. That she wouldn’t want to know she was about to die. In some weird way that gives me comfort about the whole situation. So far 2020 is going great. Even with this damn bug. I know you would’ve told me to move as soon as I told you the air filters were dirtier than the bottom of an Amtrak train. So you know me, gotta just take care of it. Not at all costly. Work has been pretty crazy. Keeping my eye out for the next move. Comcast coming at me a few times. Even today. Maybe that’s the next move. Just kinda bored of the same thing. I guess it’s easy to not have to think about answering. I was thinking about the roads we traveled as a family and you traveled as a person. I thought about this the other day. We never took a family picture and we never took a family vacation. Even for folks in Folcroft, I kind of found that to be somewhat depressing. I wish we e...